I'VE GOT TO GET BACK IN THERE.
MY WIFE'S IN THERE!
[BABY CRYING]
HELP ME.
[BELL TOLLS]
HURRY UP, THERE. COME ON.
[CRYING]
THERE, THERE.
SERGEANT, GET THOSE MEN BACK TO BARRACKS!
AND SO, AS THE SUN ROSE
OVER THE ISLAND OF CHEESE,
CASTING LONG SHADOWS THROUGH THE SAUSAGE BUSHES,
ILLUMINATING THE TOPS OF THE HONEY TREES,
AND WARMING THE FIELDS OF SMOKED SALMON,
I, BARON MUNCHAUSEN, WHO AM RENOWNED
FIRST AND FOREMOST FOR TELLING THE TRUTH,
THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH--
HA HA HA.
OH! TIGHTER, TIGHTER.
HOLD STEADY!
HOW CAN YOU BECOME A GREAT ACTRESS LIKE ME,
POOR DARLING, IF YOU GET BLOWN TO PIECES?
COME ON.
...MY NATIVE LAND.
OH, YEAH!
THAT'S IT.
THERE TO ATTEMPT THE EDUCATION
OF MY PROVINCIAL AND NARROW-MINDED
AND STUPIDLY INCREDULOUS FELLOW COUNTRYMEN.
WE HEAVED ANCHOR AND SET SAIL.
[LAUGHTER]
WE HEAVED ANCHOR AND SET SAIL!
THE WAVES! THE WAVES!
OH, BUGGER!
WE ARE ACTORS.
WHERE THE DEVIL ARE THE STAGEHANDS?
DEAD.
THEY CAN'T ALL HAVE BEEN KILLED.
NOT KILLED, DUCKY, SUICIDE.
NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR ACTING.
BUT ILL LUCK PURSUED ME.
I WAS BLOWN TOWARDS THE WAITING JAWS
OF A WHALE OF SUCH PRODIGIOUS SIZE AND LENGTH
THAT I COULD NOT, EVEN WITH A TELESCOPE,
SEE THE END OF HIM.
## WHAT WILL BECOME OF THE BARON ##
## SURELY THIS TIME THERE IS NO ESCAPE ##
## WHAT WILL BECOME OF THE BARON ##
## SURELY THIS TIME THERE IS NO ESCAPE ####
I HAVE LEARNED FROM EXPERIENCE
THAT A MODICUM OF SNUFF
CAN BE MOST EFFICACIOUS.
HA HA HA!
WHOA!
HELL'S BELLS AND BUCKETS OF BLOOD!
WHERE WERE THE WAVES?
THE WAVES!
YOU'VE STABBED MY VITALS!
YOU INCOMPETENT IMBECILES!
IT WASN'T ME.
IT WAS-- IT WAS HER!
IT WASN'T ME!
IT WAS HIM, YOU PINTLE!
WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE PROFESSIONALS,
AND WE'RE TRYING TO STAY ALIVE!
SALLY!
NOW, STAY HERE, OR I SHALL LOCK YOU UP.
WHERE'S MY BROTHER?
YOU HAVEN'T GOT A BROTHER.
THEN YOU JUST TELL ME
WHY IT SAYS "HENRY SALT AND SON."
I'M YOUR DAUGHTER.
I SHOULD NEVER HAVE TAUGHT YOU TO READ.
"AND SON" IS TRADITIONAL.
THAT'S HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE.
HUH? WHA--EH! WAH! EH!
BAH!
NO, THE SULTAN'S DEMANDS
ARE STILL NOT SUFFICIENTLY RATIONAL.
THE ONLY LASTING PEACE
IS ONE BASED ON REASON AND SCIENTIFIC PRINCIPLE.
I'M TERRIBLY SORRY, MR. JACKSON.
THE FIRST ACT DIDN'T GO AS WE WANTED--
A FEW LITTLE TECHNICAL PROBLEMS.
PLEASE DON'T APOLOGIZE, MR. SALT.
YOU'RE DOING YOUR BEST
IN VERY TRYING CIRCUMSTANCES.
HMM? AH, EXCUSE ME.
AH, THE OFFICER WHO RISKED HIS LIFE
BY SINGLE-HANDEDLY DESTROYING SIX ENEMY CANNON
AND RESCUING 10 OF OUR MEN
HELD CAPTIVE BY THE TURK.
YES, SIR.
THE OFFICER ABOUT WHOM WE'VE HEARD SO MUCH.
I SUPPOSE, SIR.
ALWAYS TAKING RISKS BEYOND THE CALL OF DUTY.
I DID MY BEST, SIR.
HAVE HIM EXECUTED AT ONCE.
YES, SIR.
COME ALONG.
SUCH BEHAVIOR IS DEMORALIZING
FOR ORDINARY SOLDIERS AND CITIZENS
WHO ARE TRYING TO LEAD NORMAL, UNEXCEPTIONAL LIVES.
THINGS ARE DIFFICULT ENOUGH
WITHOUT EMOTIONAL PEOPLE ROCKING THE BOAT.
AH! CONSTANTINOPLE!
THE COURT OF THE GRAND TURK.
WHAT A SURPRISE
THAT A PASSING ZEPHYR SHOULD WAFT ME HERE.
PERHAPS FATE WISHES ME TO TEACH THE SULTAN
A LESSON OR TWO.
[LAUGHTER]
HIS HIGHNESS THE SULTAN LOVED A GOOD WINE
AND COULD NEVER RESIST A WAGER,
CHARACTERISTICS THAT WERE TO COST HIM DEAR.
LIES! LIES!
I WON'T PUT UP WITH IT.
IT'S INTOLERABLE.
STOP THIS TRAVESTY! STOP IT!
IT'S AN INSULT, AN INDIGNITY.
I'VE NEVER SEEN SO MUCH RUBBISH
IN ALL MY LIFE!
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
ONE DAY AFTER A SUMPTUOUS DINNER...
IS THIS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN?
YES. I THINK SO, SIR.
...TO HIS PRIVATE APARTMENTS.
PLEASE, NO. PLEASE LEAVE THE STAGE.
THIS BLACKGUARD'S AN IMPOSTER.
I AM BARON MUNCHAUSEN,
AND I WON'T BE MADE A FOOL OF!
YOU CANNOT COME UP HERE.
WE ARE PRESENTING A PERFORMANCE.
YOU ARE PRESENTING A MOCKERY.
YOU PRESENT ME
AS IF I WERE RIDICULOUS FICTION, A JOKE.
I WON'T HAVE IT!
WHAT THE DEVIL'S GOING ON?
GET DOWN!
THE TURKS! THE TURKS!
BRING IN THE TURKS!
[BOOING]
GET OFF! GET OFF! GET HIM OFF!
YOU'RE RUINING THE SHOW!
QUICK, JEREMY, BILL, DO SOMETHING.
I MUST TALK WITH MY AUDIENCE.
[BOOING]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I MUST...
I MUST APOLOGIZE
FOR THIS MOST DREADFUL OCCURRENCE.
I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT...
OH! OH!
...ENDEAVOR TO CONTINUE WITH THE PERFORMANCE
AS ADVERTISED IN YOUR SHEET.
HELLO.
BEAUTIFUL LADIES.
HELLO.
BEAUTIFUL LADIES.
YOU HAVE REALLY GREAT TASTE, SIR.
OTHERWISE, IT'S ALL QUITE WRONG!
LISTEN, COCKY, WE'VE GOT A SHOW TO DO.
GOOD LORD, BERTHOLD!
WHO'S BERTHOLD?
HOW ON EARTH--
IT'S MARVELOUS TO SEE YOU.
HOW ARE YOU? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
HOW ARE YOUR LEGS?
WHERE ARE THE OTHERS?
ALBRECHT,
ADOLPHUS,
GUSTAVUS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. IT'S MIRACULOUS!
I'M BILL.
HE'S BILL.
HE'S STILL HERE?
GET RID OF HIM.
WHAT IS THE MATTER?
WE'RE JUST ABOUT TO START THE SECOND ACT AFRESH.
WHO IS THIS?
I DON'T KNOW. SOME OLD LUNATIC.
HE'S BARON MUNCHAUSEN.
OH, I SEE. THE REAL BARON MUNCHAUSEN.
YES, INDEED. WHO, SIR, MAY I ASK, ARE YOU?
A PUBLIC SERVANT.
I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR, AMONG OTHER THINGS,
THE LICENSING OF THIS THEATER.
THIS, SIR, IS THE RIGHT ORDINARY HORATIO JACKSON,
WHO JUST HAPPENS TO BE WINNING THE WAR
AND SAVING THE CITY.
BAH!
PLEASE LEAVE US!
HE'S AN ASS.
ONLY I CAN END THIS WAR.
EXPLAIN YOURSELF.
I CAN END IT BECAUSE I BEGAN IT.
I AM THE CAUSE.
I AM AFRAID, SIR,
YOU HAVE RATHER A WEAK GRASP OF REALITY.
YOUR REALITY, SIR, IS LIES AND BALDERDASH,
AND I AM DELIGHTED TO SAY I HAVE NO GRASP OF IT
WHATSOEVER!
THIS MAN OBVIOUSLY NEEDS A DOCTOR.
A DOCTOR? DOCTOR?
WE'LL CONTINUE WITH THE SHOW,
SO THANK YOU, YOUR ORDINARINESS.
OFF!
PLEASE. PLEASE BE REASONABLE.
IF WE DON'T GET ON WITH IT,
HE'LL THROW US TO THE TURKS.
I'LL GET ON WITH IT.
MY LORDS,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
BARON MUNCHAUSEN AT YOUR SERVICE.
PRUNED ANY NOSES RECENTLY?
GIVE US A SONG!
NOW, MOST OF YOU
WON'T REMEMBER ME OR MY ADVENTURES.
I ASSURE YOU, THEY ARE TRUE.
THE TRUTH IS,
I AM THE CAUSE OF THIS SIEGE.
DON'T BE STUPID!
WHAT ABOUT THE TURKS, THEN?
ARE YOU THE CAUSE OF THE BORDER DISPUTE?
IT'S THE SEA ROUTES WE'RE FIGHTING FOR!
NO, IT ISN'T.
THAT WAS LAST TIME--
YOU POOR, DELUDED FOOLS,
IF YOU'LL ONLY DO ME THE COURTESY
OF ACCEPTING THE WORD OF A GENTLEMAN,
I WILL REVEAL THE TRUE CAUSE
OF THIS WAR.
AFTER MY...
OH!
AFTER MY-- OH, DEAR.
AFTER MY RETURN FROM EGYPT,
I WAS MOST WARMLY WELCOMED
BY THE GRAND TURK...
[GONG]
HIS HIGHNESS, THE SULTAN,
WHO KNEW OF MY REPUTATION
AND HELD ME IN HIGH ESTEEM.
IN FACT, SO DELIGHTED WAS HE
WITH MY COMPANY,
THAT HE OFFERED ME ACCESS TO HIS HAREM.
ONE DAY...
Go on.
THE SULTAN BROUGHT ME
A BOTTLE OF HIS FAVORITE TOKAY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, EH?
NOT BAD.
NOT BAD?
MY DEAR MUNCHAUSEN,
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND BETTER.
HUMBUG, YOUR MAJESTY.
WHAT DO YOU WAGER THAT I WON'T PROCURE
WITHIN THE HOUR
A BOTTLE OF TOKAY FAR SUPERIOR TO THIS
FROM THE IMPERIAL CELLAR AT VIENNA,
A MERE THOUSAND-ODD MILES AWAY?
ACCEPT MY CHALLENGE.
IF I DON'T SUCCEED, CUT OFF MY HEAD.
THESE ARE MY STAKES. WHAT ARE YOURS?
I ACCEPT.
IF YOU SUCCEED,
YOU MAY TAKE AS MUCH TREASURE
AS THE STRONGEST MAN CAN CARRY.
AGREED.
GIVE ME PEN AND INK.
I'LL WRITE TO THE EMPRESS IMMEDIATELY.
BERTHOLD!
COMING!
OH, BLAST.
SORRY, GENTS. GOT TO GO.
TAKE THIS TO VIENNA TO THE EMPRESS.
SHE WILL GIVE YOU A BOTTLE OF WINE.
BRING IT STRAIGHT TO ME.
RIGHT-O.
HAH! HAH!
HAH! HAH! HAH!
YAH!
AAH!
YAH!
PERHAPS YOU WOULD CARE
FOR A LITTLE LIGHT ENTERTAINMENT
WHILE YOU WAIT.
[GROANING]
I COMPOSED AN OPERA. WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR IT?
NO, THANK YOU.
YOU'LL LOVE IT. IT'S A COMEDY.
IT'S CALLED THE TORTURER'S APPRENTICE.
HERE'S THE OVERTURE.
OW!
OOH!
EEE!
OOH!
OW!
OOH! OOH!
AAH!
OW!
ARG!
OOH!
AAH!
AH! OOH!
THE CURTAIN--
OOH!
THE CURTAIN RISES
ON A TYPICAL, EVERYDAY TORTURE CHAMBER.
YOSRICK, THE YOUNG APPRENTICE,
SINGS OF HIS JOY IN HIS JOB.
## THE TORTURER'S APPRENTICE WENT ##
## HIS MERRY WAY TO WORK ONE DAY ##
## I BEND AND STRETCH AND PLY MY TRADE ##
## MAKING PEOPLE ALL AFRAID ##
## BUT THINGS LOOK BLACK ##
## BUSINESS IS SLACK ##
## THERE'S NO ONE ON THE RACK BUT ME ####
ACT FOUR IS SET IN AN ABATTOIR.
I SEE A LOT OF SLAPSTICK.
WE BEGIN WITH THE ARRIVAL OF THE EUNUCHS' CHORUS,
WHO SING CUT OFF IN MY PRIME,
MEIN HERZ, MEIN HERZ.
[IN HIGH VOICE] ## CUT OFF IN MY PRIME ##
## SURROUNDED BY BEAUTIFUL WOMEN ##
## ALL THE TIME ##
## A EUNUCH'S LIFE IS HARD ##
## AND NOTHING ELSE ####
EXCUSE ME A MOMENT.
DON'T MISS THIS ARIA.
IT REMINDS ME OF MY SCHOOL DAYS IN ENGLAND.
[WHISTLE]
## LIFE IS RATHER LIKE A GAME ##
## IT'S IMPORTANT THAT YOU WIN ##
## AND THOUGH IT SEEM A TERRIBLE SHAME ##
## YOU LIE AND CHEAT AND SIN ##
HIYAH!
## PLAY UP AND WIN THE GAME ####
STEADY.
WHERE THE HELL'S BERTHOLD?
DON'T KNOW.
IF HE'S NOT HERE IN 3 1/2 MINUTES,
THE SULTAN WILL BEHEAD ME.
AND?
IS THAT ALL?
I'M SORRY. I DON'T FIND THAT FUNNY.
YOU FIND THAT FUNNY?
THIS IS A WAGER.
A WAGER? A WAGER?
[SNORING]
HE'S ASLEEP, SNORING.
ABOUT 900 MILES AWAY.
COME ON.
HE'S UNDER A TREE
NEAR BELGRADE.
WHAT?
THERE'S A BOTTLE BESIDE HIM.
I HOPE HE HASN'T BEEN AT IT.
WHAT'S THE WIND SPEED, GUS?
3 KNOTS.
MM-HMM.
## I'M A MODERN MAN THESE DAYS, I FIND ##
## YOU HAVE TO BE AWFULLY CRUEL TO BE KIND ##
## I'M A MODERN MAN, YOU WILL AGREE ##
? ## IT'S EITHER YOU OR ME ##?
WELL...
TIME'S NEARLY UP, I THINK.
AHEM.
READY...
THERE.
NOW.
AAH!
HMM?
AAH!
NOT LATE, AM I?
NOT LATE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANKS. I NEEDED A TRIM.
MUCH OBLIGED.
FROM THE EMPRESS.
MMM...
DELICIOUS.
YOU WIN.
TREASURER,
ALLOW MY FRIEND TO TAKE
AS MUCH AS THE STRONGEST MAN
CAN CARRY.
YES.
THAT'S IT.
THANKS, SQUIRE.
WHAT IS IT?
EXCELLENCY, THEY'VE TAKEN EVERYTHING.
WHAT?
[MUTTERING]
UH-OH.
HAH!
GUSTAVUS.
STOP THEM!
BRING THEM BACK!
GUSTAVUS, AGAIN.
OH!
FIRE!
DON'T SHOOT.
TAKE COVER, MY FRIENDS.
LET ME IN!
[SCREAMING]
AND SO, AS YOU CAN SEE,
THE SULTAN'S STILL AFTER MY HEAD.
WAIT. STOP. DON'T GO.
COME BACK. THERE'S MORE. THERE'S MORE.
I HAVEN'T FINISHED.
DON'T LEAVE NOW.
OOH!
GUSTAVUS, ADOLPHUS, ALBRECHT,
WE'RE ABOUT TO GET THE SULTAN'S TREASURE.
WE CAN'T JUST STOP.
BERTHOLD!
THE NAME'S DESMOND, MATE.
WE'RE ACTORS, NOT FIGMENTS OF YOUR IMAGINATION!
NOW GET A GRIP!
OHH. COME BACK.
WHAT THE DEVIL IS THE SULTAN PLAYING AT?
IT'S WEDNESDAY, ISN'T IT?
TERRIBLY SORRY. A FEW MINOR SETBACKS.
THIS THEATER'S CLOSED.
BE OUT OF THIS CITY BY TOMORROW.
NO, SIR, NO. PLEASE.
LOOK AT THESE FAVORABLE ENDORSEMENTS
FROM ALL OVER EUROPE, SIR.
"MR. SALT'S COMPANY
HOLDS A MIRROR UP TO NATURE"-- VIENNA CLARION.
"GREAT VALUE FOR MONEY"-- PARIS ECHO.
"A GOOD NIGHT OUT"-- GLASGOW HERALD.
JUST GIVE US ONE SECOND CHANCE...
HERE, BOY. GOOD BOY. IT'S ALL RIGHT.
HERE, BOY. HERE, BOY.
[GRR]
IEEE!
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
AM I DEAD?
NO.
BLAST.
WHO ARE YOU REALLY?
OH!
BARON MUNCHAUSEN ISN'T REAL.
HE'S ONLY IN STORIES.
GO AWAY! I'M TRYING TO DIE!
WHY?
BECAUSE I'M TIRED OF THE WORLD,
AND THE WORLD IS EVIDENTLY TIRED OF ME.
BUT WHY?
WHY?
WHY, WHY, WHY?
BECAUSE IT'S ALL LOGIC AND REASON NOW...
SCIENCE, PROGRESS. PSHT, PSHT!
LAWS OF HYDRAULICS,
LAWS OF SOCIAL DYNAMICS,
LAWS OF THIS, THAT, AND THE OTHER.
NO PLACE FOR THREE-LEGGED CYCLOPS
IN THE SOUTH SEAS,
NO PLACE FOR CUCUMBER TREES
AND OCEANS OF WINE,
NO PLACE FOR ME.
WHAT HAPPENED IN THE STORY?
IN THE SULTAN'S PALACE,
DID YOU ESCAPE? WERE YOU KILLED?
I DON'T KNOW.
IT WAS ALL A LONG TIME AGO.
WHO CARES?
I DO.
I'M VERY TIRED.
GOODBYE.
PLEASE TELL ME.
NO.
GO ON.
BUZZ OFF!
TELL ME!
PLEASE.
YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW, DON'T YOU?
STOP IT!
WE'LL ALL BE KILLED!
I'LL NEVER KNOW THE END OF THE STORY!
WAIT. WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
COME BACK!
STOP IT!
WAIT! WAIT!
COME BACK!
TAKE COVER!
WRETCHED CHILD!
GET THAT POWDER UNDER COVER!
NO!
STOP IT!
GET AWAY!
STOP IT!
GET DOWN!
NO!
YOU'LL GET US BOTH KILLED.
I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO DIE.
YES, BUT, I'M OLD ENOUGH.
GENTLEMEN,
DON'T YOU THINK IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA
TO SILENCE THOSE ENEMY CANNONS?
NO, SIR.
NO?
IT'S WEDNESDAY.
OH, MY. WEDNESDAY...
WHOA!
OHH?
HA HA HA HA HA HA!
IEEE!
HA HA HA HA HA!
WHOA!
OH!
OH.
THE TURKS ARE ABOUT TO STORM THE WALLS.
YOU REALLYARE BARON MUNCHAUSEN.
THAT'S IT, THE END.
IT'S ALL OVER.
GENERATIONS OF THEATRICAL EXPERTISE SNUFFED OUT
IN THE TWINKLING OF AN EYE.
SALLY?
SALLY!
SALLY, COME HERE.
YOU CRETINOUS, SENILE OLD FART!
THANKS TO YOU,
WE'RE TO BE THROWN TO THE TURKS!
BUT HEIS BARON MUNCHAUSEN,
THE REAL ONE.
YOU MUST BELIEVE ME.
HURRY!
NO, HONESTLY! HE IS! HE IS!
SHUT UP!
BUT HE IS,
AND HE CAN SAVE US!
CAN'T YOU?
HE JUMPED ONTO A CANNONBALL.
HE REALLY DID!
AND HE FLEW MILES UP INTO THE SKY
ABOVE THE ELEPHANTS AND SOLDIERS--
GOD! STOP LYING!
I'M NOT LYING!
AM I?
MATTER OF FACT, YOU ARE.
BUT HE DID!
MMM...
THOSE SOLDIERS SAW HIM, TOO!
THEY'LL TELL YOU!
OH, THEY'RE DEAD.
OH!
BUT HE DID!
NO, I DIDN'T.
NOWYOU'RELYING.
I NEVER LIE.
OH!
SALLY, STAY HERE!
WHAT'S GOT INTO YOU?
I DIDN'T FLY MILES.
IT WAS MORE LIKE 1 1/2 MILES.
AND I DIDN'T PRECISELY FLY.
I MERELY HELD ON TO A MORTAR SHELL
IN THE FIRST INSTANCE,
AND THEN A CANNONBALL ON THE WAY BACK.
YOU MANIAC!
YOU'VE DONE FOR US!
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHETHER YOU STAY OR NOT.
THE TURKS ARE ABOUT TO TAKE THE TOWN.
OH! I WAS JUST COMING INTO MY PRIME.
I'M JUST ON THE CUSP BETWEEN ROMEO AND KING LEAR.
MY PUBLIC WILL KILL ME
FOR DYING AT A TIME LIKE THIS.
SAVE US!
YES.
SAVE US!
DON'T DISAPPOINT ME.
PLEASE, BARON, PLEASE.
OH, YOU ARE A BARON, AREN'T YOU?
YOU'RE OUR ONLY HOPE!
YOU ARE MY ONLY HOPE.
LADIES, LADIES, PLEASE.
PLEASE.
I SWEAR THAT AS LONG AS I,
HIERONYMUS KARL FREDERICK BARON VON MUNCHAUSEN,
LIVE AND BREATHE,
YOU SHALL COME TO NO HARM.
YOU SO REMIND ME
OF CATHERINE THE GREAT,
EMPRESS OF ALL THE RUSSIAS,
WHOSE HAND IN MARRIAGE
I ONCE HAD THE HONOR TO DECLINE.
THEY ALL REMIND YOU?
YES. WHY NOT?
SOME BITS HERE, SOME BITS THERE.
I HAVE A PLAN!
I WILL SET FORTH IMMEDIATELY...
TO FIND MY EXTRAORDINARY SERVANTS
AND, WITH THEIR HELP,
RAZE THE SIEGE AND SAVE THE TOWN.
BRILLIANT, VERY GOOD, BRAVO!
HOW?
LADIES, I SHALL REQUIRE YOUR ASSISTANCE.
OF COURSE.
ANYTHING!
JUST TELL US WHAT TO DO.
KINDLY AND BE SO GOOD
AS TO REMOVE YOUR KNICKERS.
LOOK AT ALL THAT UNDERWEAR.
ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?
IT'S LIKE A DREAM COME TRUE.
IT'S THE DAWNING OF THE AGE
OF LOVELY, INTIMATE THINGS.
BUT IT'S MADNESS.
HE'LL KILL HIMSELF.
YEAH, BUT WELL WORTH IT, EH?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? KEEP PUMPING.
KEEP PUMPING!
BETTER REPORT THIS.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
GET AWAY!
NO, NO, NO, NO.
WE NEED A VERY SIMPLE PLAN.
THESE ARE FAR TOO COMPLICATED.
SIMPLICITY IS OF THE ESSENCE.
SIR, THOSE ACTORS HAVE MADE AN AIR BALLOON.
THEY'RE TRYING TO ESCAPE.
ARREST THEM AT ONCE.
[BLAST]
THROW THEM OUT OF THE TOWN.
WE CAN'T OPEN THE GATES, SIR.
WELL, THROW THEM OVER THE WALLS, THEN.
YES, SIR.
WE CAN'T ESCAPE AT A TIME LIKE THIS.
WHAT WOULD FUTURE GENERATIONS THINK OF US?
RIGHT, FOLLOW ME!
HOLD IT! DON'T LET GO!
WHOA!
HOLD IT, ADOLPHUS!
BRING IT DOWN.
BRING THE LADDER OVER HERE.
THAT'S IT.
TAKE CARE.
MY DEAR.
BARON!
OY, HAVE YOU SEEN SALLY?
NO!
AH, THANK YOU, MY DEAR.
STOP!
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!
LET GO!
[GRR]
LET GO!
SHOOT IT DOWN!
TAKE AIM!
FIRE!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I SHALL SHORTLY RETURN WITH REINFORCEMENTS!
DON'T LOSE HEART!
AND FOR ALL THOSE LADIES
TO WHOM I'M INDEBTED FOR HALF A TON
OF FRILLY SILK AND LACY LINEN,
DON'T CATCH COLD!
AU REVOIR!
STAY, ARGUS! I'LL SOON BE BACK!
I WILL WAIT FOR YOU!
HE WON'T GET FAR ON HOT AIR AND FANTASY.
AAH!
BLAST!
HELP!
HANG ON. HANG ON.
AH.
THANKS.
YOU'VE RUINED EVERYTHING.
I MUST DOUSE THE FIRES TO LET YOU DOWN.
I'LL NEVER GET OFF AGAIN.
I'M GOING WITH YOU.
I ABSOLUTELY AND UTTERLY REFUSE.
IF WE GO DOWN NOW,
WE'LL LAND ON THE TURKS.
AAH!
WATCH OUT!
WE'VE GOT TO FIND YOUR SERVANTS
AND GET BACK HERE QUICKLY.
THATISWHAT I HAD IN MIND.
WHERE ARE WE GOING?
TO THE MOON.
WHAT? THAT'LL TAKE AGES.
NO, IT WON'T.
OF COURSE, IT WILL.
WHY ARE WE GOING THERE?
THAT'S WHERE I LAST SAW BERTHOLD.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO THE MOON?
NO.
AH, INTERESTING PLACE.
THE KING AND QUEEN ARE CHARMING.
YOU KNOW ABOUT THEIR DETACHABLE HEADS, DON'T YOU?
NO.
UH...
THEIR HEADS GO OFF FOR INTELLECTUAL PURSUITS
WHILE THEIR BODIES ENGAGE IN MORE BODILY ACTIVITIES.
THE TROUBLE IS
THEIR HEADS AND BODIES DON'T ALWAYS SEE EYE TO EYE.
YOU DO BELIEVE ME, DON'T YOU?
I'M DOING MY BEST.
MMM...
ARE YOU SCARED?
CERTAINLY NOT!
ARE YOU?
CERTAINLY NOT.
AAAH!
AAH!
AAAH!
AAH!
GRAB THE ROPE!
OH!
AH!
AH.
AAH!
AAAH!
[YAWN]
WE'RE HERE.
YOU LOOK DIFFERENT, YOUNGER.
I ALWAYS FEEL REJUVENATED
BY A TOUCH OF ADVENTURE.
FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE,
DON'TYOUGET ANY YOUNGER,
OR I'LL HAVE TO FIND A WET NURSE.
LOOK!
I'M ONE OF THE KING'S SPECIAL FAVORITES.
WE SHALL RECEIVE A RIGHT ROYAL WELCOME.
[BAND PLAYING]
[CHEERING]
[CHEERING STOPS]
[TICKING]
NOW WHAT?
I GOT YOU AT LAST.
BENVENUTO A LA LUNA, BARONE.
YOUR MAJESTY,
WHAT A GREAT PLEASURE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
MAY I INTRODUCE MY FRIEND SALLY?
SALLY, KING OF THE MOON.
WELL, HIS HEAD, AT ANY RATE.
YOU MUST REFER TO ME BY MY COMPLETE TITLE--
KING OF EVERYTHING, RE DI TUTTO.
THE MOON IS AN INSIGNIFICANT PART OF MY DOMAIN NOW.
THERE IS SO MUCH, MUCH, MUCH MORE.
[GROANING]
YOU SEEM TO BE IN SOME DISCOMFORT.
WHAT AILS YOU?
NOTHING. CAN'T YOU SEE I'M AT ONE WITH THE COSMOS?
AH.
I TELL YOU THAT, AND ALL YOU CAN SAY IS "AH"?
WHAT ARE YOU, BLIND?
BARON, LET ME EXPLAIN IT TO YOU.
SINCE YOU WERE LAST HERE,
I, MY HEAD, THAT WHICH IS LEFT OF ME,
WHERE THE BRILLIANT AND IMPORTANT PARTS ARE LOCATED,
IS NOW RULING THE KNOWN UNIVERSE.
THAT WHICH I DON'T KNOW, I CREATE.
[SQUEAK! POP! WHISTLE!]
I JUST CREATED SPRING.
BUT SERIOUSLY, WITHOUT ME, THERE WOULD BE NOTHING,
NOT EVEN YOU.
COGITO ERGO ES.
I THINK, THEREFORE YOU IS.
HMMM. MMM.
YOUR OLD FRIEND'S A LUNATIC.
SO IT WOULD SEEM.
HE'S CERTAINLY FALLEN PREY TO DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR.
BEING IN TUNE WITH EVERY MOLECULE
IN THE UNIVERSE
REQUIRES A GREAT DEAL OF CONCENTRATION.
HAVING YOU ON THE LOOSE, BARON,
DOES NOT HELP.
YOUR LITTLE STORIES ARE SOMEWHAT OF A DISTRACTION.
YOU ARE LIKE A MOSQUITO IN THE TAJ MAHAL.
I MUST INFORM YOU,
WITHOUT MY ADVENTURES, YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE.
WELL, SO I AM NOW PART OF YOUR ADVENTURES.
HA HA! WELL, WE SHALL SEE ABOUT THAT.
RRRR! AAH.
HA HA HA!
HA HA HA HA!
WOW.
HMM.
BARON, WHO CREATED WHO?
I HOPE YOU'LL BE VERY COMFORTABLE.
CIAO.
THERE GOES MY REVOLTING BODY WITH THE QUEEN.
OH, STOP IT.
OH, I'M TIRED.
GO AWAY! DAMN IT, HE CAN'T HEAR ME.
PLEASE!
OH, YOU STINKING, HORRIBLE MAN.
OH, IT'S SO EMBARRASSING.
MAYBE HE'LL GO AWAY.
IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE MY BODY AND I WERE ATTACHED.
WE ARE INCOMPATIBLE.
HE'S DANGLING FROM THE FOOD CHAIN,
AND I AM IN THE STARS.
NO! NO, GO AWAY!
ARGH! NO!
I DESPISE YOU. LET ME GO.
NO! OH, NO! OOH!
OH! UGH! OH!
OH! OH!
AAH!
[SNAP]
HA HA HA! I'M BACK!
I GOT LIPS AGAIN,
AND I'M GOING TO USE THEM, BABY!
IT'S ME! I'M YOUR ELEPHANT OF JOY!
[NNRRR]
OH! ROGER!
GIVE MEBACIO, BABY.
EAT FIRST, DARLING.
HA HA HA!
YOU'VE GOT TOMANGA BEFOREBACIO.
HA HA HA HA!
MMM. I MISSED THIS STUFF.
[BURP]
YOU CAN'T DO THAT
WHEN YOU DON'T GOT NO MOUTH.
I'M BACK IN BUSINESS.
MMM. OH, YEAH.
WAIT! YOU DON'T GO NOWHERE.
BARON.
OH, MOST WONDROUS MAJESTY.
HEY, I KNOW YOU.
YOU'RE THE LITTLE GUY
TRIED TO MAKE OFF WITH MY QUEEN.
WE'LL HAVE NO MORE OF THAT,PICCOLOCASANOVA.
HA HA HA HA!
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
HA HA HA!
HERE YOU GO, LOVEBIRDS.
I'M SURE YOU'LL BE VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.
MMM. MMM. MMM.
OH, I SPILLED.
[SNAP]
BLBLBLBLBL!
AAH!
OH, I AM FREE AGAIN,
FREE TO CONCENTRATE ON HIGHER THINGS.
HA HA HA HA!
GO BACK AND AMUSE YOURSELF IN THE SLIME.
YOU MISSED ME.
OH, I AM BLIND. MY KINGDOM FOR A HANDKERCHIEF.
AAH! NO, LET ME GO!
I'VE GOT TIDES TO REGULATE, COMETS TO DIRECT!
I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR FLATULENCE AND ORGASMS.
I HATE THAT FACE YOU MAKE ME MAKE.
PLEASE, NO!
OH! OH, NO! PLEASE LET ME GO!
FAREWELL, BARON.
ONE OF THE KING'S FAVORITES?
THIS CAGE ISN'T REAL,
JUST A PART OF THE KING'S LUNACY.
IT'S SEEMS SOLID ENOUGH TO ME.
I SEE WE'RE IN
A NOT-VERY-HELPFUL FRAME OF MIND.
HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO SAVE THE TOWN FROM HERE?
THE TOWN IS PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT.
EVERYONE IS SAFE.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
I JUST KNOW.
UH! UH!
OW!
AAH!
HUH?
WHAT THE DEVIL...
ALL RIGHT, I'M COMING.
MY HAND. MY HAND.
MY BLOODY HAND.
COME OUT! COME OUT OF THERE.
COME OUT!
[GRUNTING]
COME OUT OF THERE!
STOP THAT. WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?
I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE UNFRIENDLY.
YOU'D BE UNFRIENDLY IF I PRODDED YOU.
WHO ARE YOU?
I CAN'T REMEMBER.
I'VE BEEN HERE SO LONG.
WE'LL BE LIKE THAT.
WHY ARE YOU HERE?
I'M A VERY WICKED CRIMINAL.
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
I CAN'T REMEMBER.
THEN HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU'RE VERY WICKED?
WELL, FOR ONE THING,
I'M IN HERE.
AND FOR ANOTHER,
I'VE GOT THESE SHACKLES ON.
BERTHOLD!
EH?
IT'S BERTHOLD.
BERTHOLD, IT'S ME, THE BARON.
I KNEW I'D FIND YOU ON THE MOON.
I'LL TAKE YOU BACK TO EARTH
TO HELP US FIGHT THE SULTAN.
GET OFF! GET OFF ME!
YOU'RE BERTHOLD, BERTHOLD, MY OLD SERVANT.
THOSE LEG IRONS ARE TO SLOW YOU DOWN,
STOP YOU TEARING OFF ALL OVER THE PLACE.
YOU MUST BE JOKING.
YOU ALWAYS WORE THEM. REMEMBER?
I'M BARON MUNCHAUSEN.
THAT SOUNDS NASTY. IS IT CONTAGIOUS?
WE'RE WASTING TIME.
AHH!
OH! AHH.
OH.
AHH.
DARLING BARON.
ARIADNE.
I'M SORRY
I COULDN'T SPEAK TO YOU BEFORE,
BUT ROGER'S SO DIFFICULT.
WHERE EXACTLY IS ROGER?
IN BED WITH MY BODY, OF COURSE.
AHH! OH. OH.
STOP IT. STOP IT!
IF HE DISCOVERS MY HEAD'S WITH YOU...
AAH...
QUICKLY. QUICKLY.
QUICKLY.
CLIMB INTO MY HAIR.
OOH.
WHY IS SHE MAKING THOSE FUNNY NOISES?
YES! YES! YES!
HER BODY IS WITH THE KING,
AND HE IS, UH...
HA HA HA!
TICKLING HER FEET.
YES! YES! YES! YES!
BERTHOLD, COME ON. YOU'RE COMING WITH US.
NO CHANCE.
WHY NOT?
I CAN'T REMEMBER.
YOU'RE NOT FRIGHTENED, ARE YOU?
THAT'S IT.
COME ON. HELP ME.
OH, HURRY. HURRY.
COME ON, QUICKLY. CLIMB ABOARD.
OOH LA LA!
GIVE ME YOUR HAND.
OH! HA HA HA!
I DON'T WANT TO ESCAPE.
AAH!
OH, NO! AAH!
AAH! OH!
I CAN'T HOLD ON!
AAH! OH! OH!
HA HA!
OH, YES, YES, YES!
OH, I LOVE THIS!
I TICKLE YOU TILL DAWN, DARLING.
THERE WE GO.
[AH-CHOO]
THERE, I WIPE EVERYTHING AWAY.
TICKLEDY- TICKLEDY-TICKLEDY!
[CLICK CLICK]
YOU LOVE THIS, I KNOW,
BUT YOU DON'T SAY ANYTHING.
WHY YOU DON'T SAY ANYTHING?
YOU ARE A PILLOW-BITER, THAT'S IT.
OH. RRR! OH.
OH. AHH! AHH!
OH OH OH!
AHH.
OH, BARON, I MUST GET BACK TO ROGER
BEFORE HE NOTICES I AM HEADLESS.
I QUITE UNDERSTAND.
DARLING, TAKE ME WITH YOU.
BACK TO EARTH?
YES. OH, YES!
UH, WITHOUT YOUR BODY?
OH.
I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME FOR MYSELF!
OH, I DID. I MEAN I DO. IT'S JUST, UH--
WE HAVE TO GO.
I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT, AREN'T YOU?
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
OH, TAKE A LOCK OF MY HAIR.
JUST A LOCK, COCKY, NOT THE WHOLE CARPET.
I SHALL TREASURE IT ALWAYS.
OH! AHH! HA HA HA!
THE KING. I MUST GO.
OH, AU REVOIR, MY DEAR BARON. OH.
[SNAP]
OH, YES!
I'M COMING, ROGER. I'M COMING!
DARLING, I'M GOING TO DRIVE YOU TO CHINA.
LET IT OUT!
OH, MY GOD! WHERE IS YOUR HEAD?
NO WONDER YOU'RE SO QUIET.
I'M TOO ROUGH. I KNOCK IT OFF, HUH?
IT'S AROUND HERE. I FIND IT.
WE PLAY HEAD AND SEEK.
YOU PLAY A TRICK, EH? DARLING, COME OUT.
HA HA HA HA! YOU'RE NOT HERE.
OH, WHERE ARE YOU? WHERE--
YOU ARE WITH THE BARON.
YOU ARE WITH THAT LITTLE MAN.
YOU TOLD ME SIZE DON'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE!
OH, YOUPUTTANA!
NO HEAD TO HIT. THAT'S IT!
I'LL FIND YOU, BARON, AND THEN I KILL YOU!
FETCH ME MY RADISH CLUB!
I'LL USE THE WORST WEAPON IN MY ARSENAL!
FASTER! FASTER!
I'LL MAKE A BARON BROCHETTTE.
SYBIL!ANDIAMO!
[EEE]
COME ON, FASTER!
WE CAN'T!
BERTHOLD CAN HARDLY MOVE.
TAKE HIS WEIGHTS OFF.
I HAVE!
WHAT?
HE'S OLD. HE CAN'T RUN ANYMORE.
NONSENSE.
HE'S JUST OUT OF PRACTICE.
[EEE]
UH!
COME ON, BERTHOLD.
[EEE]
YOU LOOK FOR HIM.
NOWHERE TO RUN TO, NOWHERE TO HIDE.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? LOOK DOWN THERE.
COME ON.
THERE HE IS, SYBIL, DOWN THERE.
I GOT YOU NOW,BARONE!
OH! AAH! AAH!
AAH!
NO, WAIT, SYBIL. WAIT.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
ARGH!
WHOA!
THERE THEY ARE!
ARE YOU HUNGRY, MY DARLING?
ARE YOU?
YOU TAKE THE BARON. YOU TAKE THE BALD ONE.
FOR YOU, MY SWEET, THE LITTLE GIRL
BECAUSE YOU'RE MY FAVORITE.
YOU GO THAT WAY. I'LL GO THIS WAY.
YOU'RE THE LAST OF YOUR SPECIES!
STAND TOGETHER!
NO, GIRLS, DON'T SPLIT UP ON ME NOW!
MAYDAY!
WE'RE GOING DOWN! MAYDAY!
SYBIL, DON'T DESERT ME NOW!
AAH!
I LOVE YOU, SYBIL!
AAH!
I'M FREE.
I'M FREE AT LAST. THE BODY IS DEAD.
LONG LIVE THE HEAD!
IT'S FINISHED.FINITO! BYE, BODY.
I SHALL PROVE A HEAD DOES NOT NEED A BODY
TO SURVIVE.
I AM OMNIPOTENT. HA HA! YES!
OH, NO. I GOT AN ITCH.
OH, NO. NO. NO.
AH...AH...
[AH-CHOO]
AAH!
WELL DONE, SALLY, WELL DONE.
THANKS.
BARON?
BARON MUNCHAUSEN!