WEBVTT
01:40.250 --> 01:43.200
- Who are you?
- We are three wise men.
01:43.250 --> 01:46.080
- What?
- We are three wise men.
01:46.120 --> 01:49.700
Well, what are you doing creeping around
a cow shed at 2:00 in the morning?
01:49.790 --> 01:52.500
That doesn't sound
very wise to me.
01:52.580 --> 01:55.870
- We are astrologers.
- We have come from the east.
01:55.910 --> 01:58.200
Is this some kind of joke?
01:58.250 --> 02:00.200
We wish to praise the infant.
02:00.250 --> 02:02.200
We must pay homage to him.
02:02.290 --> 02:05.620
Homage? You're drunk!
It's disgusting!
02:05.700 --> 02:09.700
Out the door! Out! Bashing me with
tales about Oriental fortunetellers.
02:09.790 --> 02:12.080
- Come on, out!
- No, no. We must see him.
02:12.160 --> 02:15.580
- Go and praise someone else's brat.
- We were led by a star.
02:15.620 --> 02:17.790
Led by a bottle,
more like. Go on out.
02:17.870 --> 02:19.950
We must see him.
We have brought presents.
02:20.040 --> 02:22.290
- Out!
- Gold, frankincense, myrrh.
02:22.370 --> 02:25.290
Well, why didn't you say?
He's over there.
02:25.370 --> 02:27.580
Sorry the place
is a bit of a mess.
02:29.040 --> 02:32.660
- Well, what is myrrh anyway?
- It is a valuable balm.
02:32.700 --> 02:36.830
A balm? What are you giving him
a balm for? It might bite him.
02:36.910 --> 02:40.080
- What?
- That's a dangerous animal.
02:40.160 --> 02:42.410
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
02:42.450 --> 02:45.200
- It's great big and
- No, it is an ointment.
02:45.250 --> 02:49.540
Well, there is an animal
called a balm... or did I dream it?
02:49.580 --> 02:52.950
So you're astrologers, are you?
Well, what is he, then?
02:53.040 --> 02:55.830
- Hmm?
- What star sign is he?
02:55.870 --> 03:00.290
- Well, Capricorn.
- Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
03:00.370 --> 03:02.870
He is the Son of God,
our Messiah.
03:02.950 --> 03:04.870
King of the Jews!
03:04.950 --> 03:08.250
- That's Capricorn, is it?
- No, that's just him.
03:08.290 --> 03:11.540
Oh, I was gonna say, otherwise
there would be a lot of them.
03:11.620 --> 03:14.830
- By what name are you calling him?
- Uh, Brian.
03:14.870 --> 03:19.580
We worship you, O Brian,
who are lord over us all.
03:19.660 --> 03:24.950
Praise unto you, Brian, and
to the Lord, our Father. Amen.
03:25.040 --> 03:27.120
- You do a lot of this, then?
- What?
03:27.200 --> 03:29.290
- This praising.
- No, no, no, no.
03:29.370 --> 03:32.330
Well, if you're
dropping by again, do pop in.
03:32.410 --> 03:35.040
And thanks a lot for
the gold and frankincense.
03:35.080 --> 03:38.580
But don't worry too much
about the myrrh next time, all right?
03:38.660 --> 03:41.080
Thank you.
Goodbye.
03:42.910 --> 03:45.250
Well, weren't they nice?
03:45.330 --> 03:48.700
Out of their bloody minds,
but still... Iook at that!
03:48.750 --> 03:51.200
Here! Here!
03:51.290 --> 03:55.330
That That's mine!
Hey, he's a baby! Oh!
04:07.120 --> 04:10.200
- Shut up!
04:18.040 --> 04:20.580
Brian
04:20.660 --> 04:23.700
The babe they called Brian
04:25.330 --> 04:28.160
He grew
04:28.250 --> 04:31.500
Grew, grew and grew
04:31.580 --> 04:34.870
Grew up to be
04:34.910 --> 04:38.160
Grew up to be
04:38.250 --> 04:41.500
A boy called Brian
04:41.580 --> 04:44.700
A boy called Brian
04:46.080 --> 04:49.950
He had arms and legs
04:50.040 --> 04:53.290
And hands and feet
04:53.370 --> 04:55.830
This boy
04:55.870 --> 05:00.080
Whose name was Brian
05:00.160 --> 05:03.370
And he grew
05:03.410 --> 05:06.750
Grew, grew and grew
05:06.830 --> 05:09.750
Grew up to be
05:09.790 --> 05:13.080
Yes, he grew up to be
05:13.160 --> 05:16.540
A teenager called Brian
05:16.580 --> 05:20.410
A teenager called Brian
05:20.500 --> 05:23.830
And his face became spotty
05:23.870 --> 05:27.410
Yes, his face became spotty
05:27.500 --> 05:30.910
And his voice
dropped down low
05:31.000 --> 05:34.370
And things started to grow
05:34.410 --> 05:37.620
On young Brian and show
05:37.700 --> 05:41.500
He was certainly no
05:41.580 --> 05:44.910
No girl named Brian
05:45.000 --> 05:48.540
Not a girl named Brian
05:56.450 --> 05:59.370
And he started to shave
05:59.410 --> 06:02.080
And have one off the wrist
06:02.160 --> 06:05.950
And want to see girls
06:06.040 --> 06:09.620
And go out and get pissed
06:09.700 --> 06:12.910
A man called Brian
06:13.000 --> 06:16.370
This man called Brian
06:16.410 --> 06:24.250
The man they called Brian
06:24.330 --> 06:28.200
This man called
06:28.250 --> 06:37.450
Bri
06:37.540 --> 06:39.790
- Aah!
07:19.620 --> 07:23.750
How blessed are those who know
that He's a god.
07:23.830 --> 07:28.370
How blessed are the sorrowful.
They shall find consolation.
07:30.790 --> 07:34.500
How blessed are those
of gentle spirit.
07:34.580 --> 07:37.580
They shall have the earth
for their possession.
07:39.120 --> 07:43.080
How blessed are those
who hunger and thirst...
07:43.120 --> 07:45.950
to see right prevail.
07:46.040 --> 07:48.620
They shall be satisfied.
07:50.500 --> 07:54.080
How blessed are those
whose hearts are pure.
07:54.160 --> 07:56.700
They shall see God.
07:56.790 --> 07:59.870
- Speak up!
- Shhh. Quiet, Mum.
07:59.910 --> 08:04.700
Well, I can't hear a thing.
Let's go to the stoning.
08:04.750 --> 08:07.620
- Shhh!
- We can go to a stoning anytime.
08:07.700 --> 08:11.200
- Oh, come on, Brian.
- Will you be quiet?
08:11.250 --> 08:13.450
Don't pick your nose.
08:13.540 --> 08:16.040
I wasn't picking my nose.
I was scratching.
08:16.080 --> 08:18.750
You was picking it
while you was talking to that lady.
08:18.830 --> 08:21.250
- I wasn't.
- Leave it alone. Give it a rest.
08:21.330 --> 08:23.950
Do you mind?
I can't hear a word he's saying.
08:24.040 --> 08:27.540
Don't you "do you mind" me!
I was talking to my husband.
08:27.580 --> 08:31.040
Well, go and talk to him somewhere else.
I can't hear a bloody thing.
08:31.080 --> 08:33.080
Don't you swear at my wife.
08:33.160 --> 08:36.370
I was only asking her to shut up so
we can hear what he's saying, Big Nose.
08:36.410 --> 08:39.910
- Don't you call my husband "Big Nose."
- Well, he has got a big nose.
08:40.000 --> 08:42.250
Could you be quiet, please?
What was that?
08:42.330 --> 08:44.660
I was too busy
talking to Big Nose.
08:44.750 --> 08:47.540
I think it was,
"Blessed are the cheese makers."
08:47.620 --> 08:50.620
What's so special
about the cheese makers?
08:50.700 --> 08:53.330
Well, obviously, it's not meant
to be taken literally.
08:53.370 --> 08:56.160
It refers to any manufacturers
of dairy products.
08:56.250 --> 08:59.080
See, if you hadn't been going on,
we'd have heard that, Big Nose.
08:59.160 --> 09:02.080
Hey! Say that once more,
I'll smash your bloody face in.
09:02.160 --> 09:05.500
Better keep listening. Might be a bit
about, "Blessed are the Big Noses."
09:05.580 --> 09:07.500
Oh, lay off him.
09:07.540 --> 09:09.620
Oh, you're not so bad
yourself, Conch Face.
09:09.700 --> 09:11.870
Where are you two from,
Nose City?
09:11.910 --> 09:14.870
One more time, mate, I'll
take you to fuckin' cleaners!
09:14.910 --> 09:18.290
Language!
And don't pick your nose.
09:18.370 --> 09:21.040
I wasn't gonna pick my nose.
I was gonna thump him!
09:21.080 --> 09:24.000
- Hear that? "Blessed are the Greek."
- The Greek?
09:24.080 --> 09:26.580
Well, apparently
he's going to inherit the earth.
09:26.660 --> 09:29.500
- Did anyone catch his name?
- You're not gonna thump anybody.
09:29.540 --> 09:32.370
I'll thump him
if he calls me "Big Nose" again.
09:32.410 --> 09:35.540
- Oh, shut up, Big Nose.
- Oh! Right. I warned you.
09:35.580 --> 09:39.370
- I really will slug you so hard
- Oh, it's the meek!
09:39.410 --> 09:42.290
"Blessed are the meek"!
Oh, that's nice, isn't it?
09:42.370 --> 09:45.330
I'm glad they're getting something,
'cause they have a hell of a time.
09:45.370 --> 09:49.080
Listen, I'm only telling the truth.
You have got a very big nose.
09:49.160 --> 09:53.910
Hey, your nose gonna be three foot wide
across your face when I'm finished!
09:54.000 --> 09:57.040
- Shhh!
- Who hit yours, then?
Goliath's big brother?
09:57.080 --> 09:59.370
Oh. Right.
That's your last warning.
09:59.410 --> 10:02.580
Oh, do pipe down.
10:02.660 --> 10:05.660
Silly bitch.
Get in the way on me.
10:09.040 --> 10:12.160
Oh, come on.
Let's go to the stoning.
10:12.250 --> 10:14.370
All right.
10:16.580 --> 10:20.700
Blessed is just about anyone with
a vested interest in the status quo.
10:20.790 --> 10:25.500
Well, what Jesus fails to appreciate
is it's the meek who are the problem.
10:25.580 --> 10:29.620
Yes, yes. Absolutely, Reg.
Yes, I see.
10:29.700 --> 10:34.080
Oh, come on, Brian. They're gonna
stone him before we get there.
10:34.120 --> 10:37.000
All right.
10:37.040 --> 10:40.160
- That's disgusting.
10:40.200 --> 10:45.000
It's the chap with a big nose's fault.
He started it all.
10:45.080 --> 10:47.620
Oh, I hate wearing these beards.
10:47.700 --> 10:50.620
Why aren't women allowed
to go to stonings, Mum?
10:50.700 --> 10:52.830
It's written, that's why.
10:52.910 --> 10:54.620
Beard, madame?
10:54.700 --> 10:57.330
Oh, look, I haven't got time
to go to no stonings.
10:57.410 --> 10:59.330
He's not well again.
10:59.410 --> 11:01.540
- Stone, sir?
11:01.580 --> 11:04.160
No, they got them up there,
lying around on the ground.
11:04.250 --> 11:06.620
Oh, not like these, sir.
Look at this.
11:06.700 --> 11:09.370
Feel the quality of that.
That's craftsmanship, sir.
11:09.450 --> 11:13.200
Well, all right. We'll have two
with points and a big, flat one.
11:13.290 --> 11:15.410
- Can I have a flat one, Mum?
- Shhh!
11:15.500 --> 11:17.410
- Sorry. Dad.
- All right.
11:17.500 --> 11:20.410
Two points, two flats
and a packet of gravel.
11:20.500 --> 11:22.870
Packet of gravel. Should be
a good one this afternoon.
11:22.910 --> 11:24.580
- Who?
- Local boy.
11:24.660 --> 11:26.370
- Oh, good.
- Enjoy yourselves.
11:45.040 --> 11:47.950
Matthias, son
of Deuteronomy of Gath?
11:48.040 --> 11:50.330
- Do I say yes? Yes.
- Yes.
11:50.410 --> 11:54.040
You have been found guilty
by the elders of the town...
11:54.120 --> 11:57.200
of uttering
the name of our Lord.
11:57.250 --> 12:01.080
- And so as a blasphemer...
12:01.160 --> 12:03.870
you are to be stoned to death.
12:03.950 --> 12:07.290
- Look, I'd had a lovely supper,
12:07.370 --> 12:09.500
and all I said to my wife was,
12:09.540 --> 12:12.290
"That piece of halibut
was good enough for Jehovah."
12:12.370 --> 12:15.540
- Blasphemy! He said it again!
12:15.620 --> 12:18.200
- Did you hear him?
12:20.500 --> 12:22.410
Really!
12:25.330 --> 12:27.540
Are there any women
here today?
12:33.540 --> 12:38.580
Very well. By virtue
of the authority vested in me
12:38.660 --> 12:41.700
Ow! Lay off!
We haven't started yet!
12:41.790 --> 12:44.870
Come on!
Who threw that?
12:44.950 --> 12:47.540
Who threw that stone?
Come on.
12:47.580 --> 12:49.700
She did! She did!
12:49.790 --> 12:51.870
He did! He did!
12:51.950 --> 12:54.200
Sorry. I thought
we'd started.
12:54.290 --> 12:57.540
- Go to the back.
12:57.580 --> 13:01.330
Always one, isn't there?
Now, where were we?
13:01.410 --> 13:05.080
Look, I don't think it ought to be
blasphemy, just saying "Jehovah."
13:05.160 --> 13:09.290
- You're only making it
worse for yourself.
13:09.370 --> 13:12.370
Making it worse?
How could it be worse?
13:12.410 --> 13:15.080
- Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!
13:15.160 --> 13:19.040
I'm warning you, if you say
"Jehovah" once more
13:19.080 --> 13:21.200
Right.
Who threw that?
13:22.700 --> 13:24.910
Come on.
Who threw that?
13:27.040 --> 13:29.200
Him, him, him.
13:29.290 --> 13:31.200
- Was it you?
- Yes.
13:31.290 --> 13:33.200
- Right
- Well, you did say "Jehovah."
13:37.700 --> 13:40.370
Stop! Will you stop that?
13:40.450 --> 13:45.370
Stop it! Now, look!
No one is to stone anyone...
13:45.450 --> 13:47.660
until I blow this whistle.
13:47.750 --> 13:52.250
Do you understand? Even and I want
to make this absolutely clear
13:52.330 --> 13:54.700
Even if they do say "Jehovah."
14:01.410 --> 14:04.330
Good shot! Bravo!
14:14.370 --> 14:18.290
- Have I got a big nose, Mum?
- Oh, stop thinking about sex.
14:18.370 --> 14:21.910
- I wasn't!
- You're always on about it,
morning, noon and night.
14:22.000 --> 14:24.830
"Will the girls like this?
Will the girls like that?
14:24.870 --> 14:27.580
Is it too big?
ls it too small?"
14:27.660 --> 14:29.870
Here you are, mate.
14:29.950 --> 14:32.120
- Bless you, sir.
- Alms for the poor.
14:32.200 --> 14:35.580
- Alms for a leper.
- Alms for an exleper.
14:35.660 --> 14:38.620
Bloody donkey owners.
All the same, ain't they?
14:38.700 --> 14:41.200
Never have any change.
Oh, here's a touch.
14:41.290 --> 14:44.750
- Spare a talent for an old exleper?
- Buzz off!
14:44.790 --> 14:47.160
Spare a talent
for an old exleper?
14:47.250 --> 14:49.950
A talent?
That's more than he earns in a month!
14:50.040 --> 14:52.120
- Half a talent, then.
- Now, go away!
14:52.200 --> 14:54.580
- Come on, Big Nose, let's haggle.
- What?
14:54.660 --> 14:58.160
You open at one shekel.
I start at 2,000. We close about 1,800.
14:58.250 --> 15:00.160
- No.
- 1,750?
15:00.200 --> 15:02.200
- Go away!
- 1,740?
15:02.990 --> 15:05.860
- Leave him alone!
- All right, two shekels.
Isn't this fun, eh?
15:05.950 --> 15:09.360
Look, he's not giving you
any money, so piss off!
15:13.570 --> 15:18.240
- All right. Half a shekel
for an old exleper?
- Did you say "exleper"?
15:18.280 --> 15:21.030
Sixteen years behind the bell,
and proud of it, sir.
15:21.110 --> 15:23.740
- Well, what happened?
- I were cured, sir.
15:23.820 --> 15:26.110
- Cured?
- Yes, a bloody miracle, sir.
15:26.200 --> 15:28.950
- Well, who cured you?
- Jesus did, sir.
15:29.030 --> 15:31.530
I was hopping along,
minding my own business.
15:31.610 --> 15:33.990
All of a sudden,
up he comes, cures me!
15:34.070 --> 15:36.030
One minute,
I'm a leper with a trade;
15:36.110 --> 15:38.150
next minute,
my livelihood's gone.
15:38.240 --> 15:40.900
"You're cured, mate."
Bloody dogooder.
15:40.950 --> 15:44.570
Well, why don't you go and tell him
that you want to be a leper again?
15:44.610 --> 15:47.320
I could do that, sir.
Yeah, I could do that, I suppose.
15:47.400 --> 15:51.110
I was gonna ask him if he'd
make me a bit lame in one leg
during the middle of the week.
15:51.200 --> 15:54.780
You know, something beggable but not
leprosy, which is a pain in the ass.
15:54.860 --> 15:57.570
Brian! Come and clean
your room out!
15:57.650 --> 16:00.740
- There you are.
- Thank you, sir. Thank
16:00.820 --> 16:03.650
Half a denary?
Me bloody life story.
16:03.740 --> 16:05.860
There's no pleasing
some people.
16:05.950 --> 16:08.990
That's just
what Jesus said, sir.
16:19.610 --> 16:22.780
- Oh!
- Good afternoon.
16:22.860 --> 16:25.860
Oh, uh, hello, officer.
16:25.950 --> 16:29.240
I'll be with you in a few
moments, all right, dear?
16:29.320 --> 16:33.030
- What's he doing here?
- Don't start that, Brian.
Go and clean your room out.
16:33.110 --> 16:35.610
- Bloody Romans!
- Now look, Brian.
16:35.700 --> 16:38.240
If it wasn't for him,
we wouldn't have all this.
16:38.320 --> 16:41.740
- And don't you forget it.
- We don't owe the Romans anything, Mum.
16:41.780 --> 16:45.400
- Well, that's not entirely true.
- What do you mean?
16:45.490 --> 16:49.570
- Well, you know you were
asking me about your
- My nose?
16:49.650 --> 16:52.820
Yes. Well, there's a reason
it's like it is, Brian.
16:52.900 --> 16:54.820
What is it?
16:54.900 --> 16:57.780
Well, I suppose I should've
told you a long time ago
16:57.860 --> 17:01.110
- What?
- Well, Brian...
17:01.200 --> 17:04.320
your father
isn't Mr. Cohen.
17:04.400 --> 17:07.280
- Well, I never thought he was.
- None of your cheek!
17:07.360 --> 17:09.740
He was a Roman, Brian.
17:09.820 --> 17:12.860
He was a centurion
in the Roman army.
17:12.900 --> 17:17.030
- You mean you were raped?
- Well, at first, yes.
17:17.110 --> 17:21.070
- Who was it?
- Naughtius Maximus, his name was.
17:21.150 --> 17:23.700
Promised me
the known world, he did.
17:23.780 --> 17:26.650
I was to be taken to Rome,
housed by the Forum
17:26.740 --> 17:28.900
slaves, asses' milk,
17:28.950 --> 17:31.280
as much gold as I could eat.
17:31.360 --> 17:33.860
Then he, having his way
with me, he had
17:33.950 --> 17:37.110
- Vroom, like a rat out of an aqueduct!
- The bastard!
17:37.200 --> 17:40.400
Yeah, so next time you go on
about the bloody Romans,
17:40.450 --> 17:42.400
don't forget
you're one of 'em!
17:42.450 --> 17:45.610
I'm not a Roman, Mum!
And I never will be!
17:45.700 --> 17:48.610
I'm a kike, a Yid,
a hebe, a hooknose!
17:48.700 --> 17:53.530
I'm kosher, Mum! I'm a Red Sea
pedestrian, and proud of it!
17:57.610 --> 18:00.700
Sex, sex, sex. That's all
they think about, huh?
18:00.780 --> 18:04.030
Well, how are you,
then, officer?
18:21.110 --> 18:25.070
Ladies and gentlemen,
the next contest...
18:25.110 --> 18:27.070
is between...
18:27.110 --> 18:31.820
Frank Goliath,
the Macedonian babycrusher,
18:31.900 --> 18:35.570
and Boris Mineburg.
18:37.900 --> 18:41.200
Larks' tongues.
Wren's livers.
18:41.280 --> 18:45.610
Chaffinch brains.
Jaguars' earlobes.
18:45.700 --> 18:48.530
Wolf's nipple chips. Get 'em
while they're hot. They're lovely.
18:48.610 --> 18:52.200
Dromedary pretzels, only half a denar.
Tuscany fried bats.
18:52.280 --> 18:56.150
I do feel, Reg, that any
antilmperialist group like ours...
18:56.240 --> 19:00.200
must reflect such a divergence
of interest within its power base.
19:00.280 --> 19:03.990
- Oh, great. Francis?
- Yeah, I think Judith's point
of view is very valid, Reg,
19:04.070 --> 19:06.030
provided the movement
never forgets...
19:06.110 --> 19:08.490
- that it is the inalienable
right of every man
- Or woman.
19:08.570 --> 19:10.150
or woman
to rid himself
19:10.240 --> 19:11.990
- Or herself.
- or herself
19:12.070 --> 19:13.820
- Agreed.
- Thank you, brother.
19:13.900 --> 19:15.820
- Or sister.
- Or sister.
19:15.900 --> 19:17.820
- Where was I?
19:17.900 --> 19:20.820
- I think you finished.
- Oh, right.
19:20.900 --> 19:23.740
Furthermore, it is
the birthright of every man
19:23.780 --> 19:26.820
- Or woman.
- Why don't you shut up about women?
19:26.900 --> 19:30.070
Women have a perfect right
to play a part in our movement.
19:30.110 --> 19:32.400
Why are you always on
about women, Stan?
19:32.490 --> 19:34.070
I want to be one.
19:36.200 --> 19:39.320
- What?
- I want to be a woman.
19:39.400 --> 19:43.360
From now on, I want you all
to call me "Loretta."
19:44.780 --> 19:47.650
- What?
- It's my right as a man.
19:47.740 --> 19:51.400
Well, why do you want
to be Loretta, Stan?
19:51.450 --> 19:54.070
I want to have babies.
19:54.110 --> 19:56.740
You want to have babies?
19:56.780 --> 19:59.490
It's every man's right
to have babies if he wants them.
19:59.570 --> 20:02.360
- But you can't have babies.
- Don't you oppress me.
20:02.400 --> 20:05.860
I'm not oppressing you.
You haven't got a womb.
20:05.950 --> 20:07.990
Where is the fetus
gonna gestate?
20:08.070 --> 20:10.490
You're gonna keep it
in a box?
20:13.570 --> 20:15.490
Here, I've got an idea.
20:15.570 --> 20:18.240
Suppose you agree that
he can't actually have babies,
20:18.320 --> 20:21.570
not having a womb which is
nobody's fault, not even the Romans'
20:21.610 --> 20:24.570
but that he can have
the right to have babies?
20:24.610 --> 20:27.400
Good idea, Judith.
We shall fight the oppressors...
20:27.490 --> 20:29.610
for your right to have
babies, brother
20:29.700 --> 20:32.450
- Sister. Sorry.
- What's the point?
20:32.530 --> 20:35.740
- What?
- What's the point of fighting
for his right to have babies...
20:35.820 --> 20:39.150
when he can't have babies?
20:39.240 --> 20:42.740
It is symbolic of our
struggle against oppression.
20:44.700 --> 20:47.360
Symbolic of his struggle
against reality.
20:55.860 --> 20:58.740
It's dangerous out there.
21:19.610 --> 21:23.740
Larks' tongues. Otters' noses.
Ocelot spleens.
21:23.820 --> 21:26.030
- Got any nuts?
- Haven't got any nuts. Sorry.
21:26.070 --> 21:29.490
- I've got wrens' livers,
badger spleens
- No, no, no.
21:29.570 --> 21:32.110
- Otters' noses?
- I don't want that Roman rubbish!
21:32.200 --> 21:35.400
- Why don't you sell proper food?
- Proper food?
21:35.450 --> 21:38.200
Yeah, and not those rich,
lmperialist tidbits.
21:38.240 --> 21:41.400
Well, don't blame me.
I didn't ask to sell this stuff.
21:41.450 --> 21:43.570
All right.
Bag of otters' noses, then.
21:43.650 --> 21:46.400
- Make it two. Thanks, Reg.
- Two.
21:46.450 --> 21:49.240
- Are you the Judean People's Front?
- Fuck off!
21:49.280 --> 21:52.360
- What?
- Judean People's Front!
21:52.400 --> 21:55.700
We're the People's Front of Judea!
21:55.780 --> 21:59.530
- Judean People's Front!
- Wankers.
22:01.990 --> 22:04.950
- Can I join your group?
- No. Piss off.
22:04.990 --> 22:07.820
I didn't want to sell
this stuff. It's only a job.
22:07.900 --> 22:11.530
- I hate the Romans as much as anybody!
- Shhh. Shhh!
22:11.610 --> 22:16.030
- Are you sure?
- Oh, dead sure. I hate the Romans.
22:16.110 --> 22:19.530
Listen, if you wanted
to join the P.F.J.,
22:19.610 --> 22:22.570
you'd have to really
hate the Romans.
22:22.610 --> 22:25.610
- I do.
- Oh, yeah? How much?
22:25.700 --> 22:27.700
A lot.
22:29.990 --> 22:32.070
Right. You're in.
22:32.110 --> 22:35.110
Listen. The only people
we hate more than the Romans...
22:35.200 --> 22:37.490
are the fuckin'
Judean People's Front.
22:37.570 --> 22:39.150
- Yeah!
- Splitters!
22:39.240 --> 22:42.150
- And the Judean Popular People's Front.
- Oh, yeah! Splitters!
22:42.240 --> 22:44.900
- And the People's Front of Judea.
- Splitters!
22:44.950 --> 22:47.450
- What?
- The People's Front of Judea.
22:47.490 --> 22:50.070
We're the People's Front of Judea!
22:50.110 --> 22:53.150
Oh. I thought we were
the Popular Front.
22:53.240 --> 22:55.570
People's Front!
22:55.610 --> 22:59.740
- What happened to the Popular Front?
- He's over there.
23:02.280 --> 23:05.200
Splitter!
23:10.570 --> 23:14.990
Oh! I think I'm about
to have a cardiac arrest.
23:15.070 --> 23:19.110
- Absolutely dreadful.
23:30.900 --> 23:35.320
Brother! Haha!
What's your name?
23:35.400 --> 23:37.950
Brian. Brian Cohen.
23:38.030 --> 23:41.320
We may have a little job
for you, Brian.
24:36.610 --> 24:40.610
What's this, then?
"Romanes eunt domus"?
24:40.700 --> 24:43.780
"People called Romanes,
they go the house"?
24:43.860 --> 24:46.030
Ilt says "Romans, go home."
24:46.070 --> 24:50.200
No, it doesn't.
What's Latin for "Roman"?
24:50.240 --> 24:52.360
- Come on!
- "Romanes"?
24:52.450 --> 24:54.400
- Goes like?
- "Annus"?
24:54.450 --> 24:56.740
- Vocative plural of "annus" is?
- "Anni"?
24:56.780 --> 24:59.570
- "Romani."
24:59.650 --> 25:02.240
- "Eunt"? What is "eunt"?
- "Go."
25:02.320 --> 25:04.400
Conjugate the verb "to go."
25:04.490 --> 25:07.860
"lre, eo, is, it,
imus, itis, eunt."
25:07.950 --> 25:09.950
So "eunt" is?
25:10.030 --> 25:12.700
Third person plural,
present indicative. "They go."
25:12.780 --> 25:17.450
But "Romans, go home" is
an order, so you must use the
25:17.530 --> 25:19.700
- The imperative.
- Which is?
25:19.740 --> 25:21.860
Um, oh, oh, "i."
25:21.900 --> 25:24.450
- How many Romans?
- Aah! Plural, plural.
25:24.530 --> 25:27.400
- "lte."
- "lte."
25:27.450 --> 25:30.650
- "Domus"? Nominative?
25:30.740 --> 25:34.860
"Go home." This is motion
towards, isn't it, Brian?
25:34.950 --> 25:36.860
Dative!
25:36.950 --> 25:38.990
No, not dative!
25:39.070 --> 25:41.490
Accusative, accusative!
25:41.570 --> 25:44.990
- "Domum," sir. "Ad domum."
- Except when "domus" takes the
25:45.070 --> 25:47.030
- Locative, sir.
- Which is?
25:47.110 --> 25:49.280
- "Domum."
- "Domum."
25:49.360 --> 25:51.530
- "Um."
25:51.610 --> 25:53.530
- Understand?
- Yes, sir.
25:53.570 --> 25:54.900
Now, write it out 100 times.
25:54.950 --> 25:56.450
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
Hail Caesar, sir.
25:56.530 --> 25:59.400
Hail Caesar. If it's not done
by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.
25:59.450 --> 26:02.900
Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you.
Hail Caesar and everything, sir.
26:23.980 --> 26:27.100
Finished!
26:28.730 --> 26:32.600
Right. Now,
don't do it again.
26:56.480 --> 26:58.650
Hey, bloody Romans!
27:32.690 --> 27:35.650
We're gettin' in through the
underground heating system here,
27:35.690 --> 27:38.560
up through into the main
audience chamber here,
27:38.650 --> 27:41.810
and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here.
27:41.900 --> 27:45.270
Having grabbed his wife, we inform
Pilate that she is in our custody...
27:45.310 --> 27:47.650
and forthwith issue our demands.
27:47.730 --> 27:50.690
- Any questions?
- What exactly are the demands?
27:50.770 --> 27:52.850
We're giving Pilate
two days to dismantle...
27:52.940 --> 27:55.440
the entire apparatus of
the Roman lmperialist State,
27:55.520 --> 27:57.810
and if he doesn't agree
immediately, we execute her.
27:57.900 --> 28:00.850
- Cut her head off?
- Cut all her bits off.
28:00.940 --> 28:03.900
Send them back
on the hour, every hour.
28:03.980 --> 28:06.690
And, of course, we point out
that they bear...
28:06.770 --> 28:09.230
full responsibility
when we chop her up...
28:09.310 --> 28:12.440
and that we shall not submit
to blackmail.
28:12.520 --> 28:14.770
No blackmail!
28:14.850 --> 28:18.520
They bled us white, the bastards.
They've taken everything we had.
28:18.600 --> 28:22.310
And not just from us. From our fathers
and from our fathers' fathers.
28:22.400 --> 28:24.730
And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.
Yeah.
28:24.770 --> 28:28.440
- And from our fathers'
fathers' fathers' fathers.
- Don't labor the point.
28:28.480 --> 28:32.060
And what have they ever
given us in return?
28:34.190 --> 28:36.730
- The aqueduct.
- What?
28:36.770 --> 28:38.900
The aqueduct.
28:38.940 --> 28:41.100
Oh, yeah, yeah.
They did give us that.
28:41.150 --> 28:43.600
And the sanitation.
28:43.650 --> 28:47.190
Oh, yeah, the sanitation, Reg.
Remember what the city used to be like.
28:47.270 --> 28:51.020
Yeah, I'll grant you,
the aqueduct and sanitation are
two things the Romans have done.
28:51.100 --> 28:54.020
- And the roads.
- Well, obviously the roads.
28:54.100 --> 28:56.600
I mean, the roads go
without saying, don't they?
28:56.690 --> 28:59.650
But apart from the sanitation,
the aqueduct and the roads
28:59.730 --> 29:01.560
- lrrigation.
- Medicine.
29:01.600 --> 29:04.100
- Education.
- Yeah, all right. Fair enough.
29:04.150 --> 29:07.230
- And the wine.
29:07.270 --> 29:10.520
Yeah, that's something we'd really miss,
Reg, if the Romans left.
29:10.600 --> 29:14.400
- Public baths.
- And it's safe to walk
in the streets at night.
29:14.480 --> 29:18.270
Yeah, they certainly keep order.
They're the only ones who could
in a place like this.
29:20.600 --> 29:23.350
All right, but apart from
the sanitation, the medicine,
29:23.440 --> 29:26.600
education, wine, public order,
irrigation, roads,
29:26.650 --> 29:29.230
the fresh water system
and public health,
29:29.310 --> 29:32.600
what have the Romans
ever done for us?
29:32.650 --> 29:36.600
- Brought peace.
- Oh, peace! Shut up!
29:47.850 --> 29:50.400
I'm a poor man.
My sight is poor.
29:50.440 --> 29:52.730
My legs are old and bent.
29:52.810 --> 29:54.810
It's all right, Matthias.
29:54.900 --> 29:56.940
It's all clear.
30:04.480 --> 30:07.190
Well, where's Reg?
30:07.270 --> 30:10.480
Oh, Reg. Reg, Judith.
30:10.560 --> 30:14.560
- What went wrong?
- The first blow has been struck.
30:14.650 --> 30:17.810
- Did he finish the slogan?
- A hundred times,
30:17.900 --> 30:21.900
in letters ten foot high,
all the way around the palace.
30:21.980 --> 30:24.690
Oh, great. Great.
30:24.770 --> 30:27.650
We We need doers
in our movement, Brian,
30:27.730 --> 30:30.190
but before you join us, know this:
30:30.270 --> 30:32.850
There is not one of us who
would not gladly suffer death...
30:32.940 --> 30:35.350
to rid this country of
the Romans once and for all.
30:35.440 --> 30:38.690
- Oh, yeah, there's one.
30:38.770 --> 30:41.100
But otherwise, we're solid.
Are you with us?
30:41.190 --> 30:43.850
Yes.
30:43.940 --> 30:48.690
From now on you shall be called
"Brian that is called Brian."
30:48.770 --> 30:51.730
Tell him about the raid
on Pilate's palace, Francis.
30:51.810 --> 30:54.770
Right.
This is the plan.
30:54.810 --> 30:57.440
Now, this is the palace
on Caesar's Square.
30:57.480 --> 31:00.310
Our commando unit will approach
from Fish Street under cover of night...
31:00.400 --> 31:03.940
and make our way
to the northwestern main drain.
31:04.020 --> 31:08.020
If questioned, we are sewage workers
on our way to a conference.
31:08.100 --> 31:11.650
Reg, our glorious leader
and founder of the P.F.J.,
31:11.730 --> 31:15.230
will be coordinating consultant
at the drain head,
31:15.310 --> 31:18.520
though he himself will not be taking
part in any terrorist action...
31:18.600 --> 31:20.520
as he has a bad back.
31:20.600 --> 31:22.770
- Aren't you going to come with us?
- Solidarity, brother.
31:22.850 --> 31:25.600
Oh, yes, solidarity, Reg.
31:25.650 --> 31:28.810
Once in the sewer,
timing will be of the essence.
31:28.900 --> 31:32.060
There is a Roman feast later
in the evening, so you must move fast.
31:32.150 --> 31:35.100
And don't wear
your best sandals.
31:35.150 --> 31:38.900
Turning left here, we enter the
CaesarAugustus memorial sewer,
31:38.940 --> 31:41.690
and from there proceed
directly to the hypocaust.
31:41.770 --> 31:46.600
This has just been retiled. So,
terrorists, careful with those weapons.
31:46.690 --> 31:50.400
We will now be directly beneath
Pilate's audience chamber itself.
31:50.440 --> 31:53.730
This is the moment for Habbakuk
to get out his prong.
32:53.770 --> 32:56.690
Shhh. Shhh.
33:12.850 --> 33:15.480
Campaign for Free Galilee.
33:15.560 --> 33:18.650
Oh, uh, People's Front
of Judea. Officials.
33:18.730 --> 33:21.440
- Oh.
- What's your group doing here?
33:21.480 --> 33:24.650
We're gonna kidnap Pilate's wife,
take her back, issue demands.
33:24.730 --> 33:27.650
- So are we. That's our plan.
- What?
33:27.730 --> 33:30.230
- We were here first.
- What do you mean?
33:30.310 --> 33:32.600
- We thought of it first.
- We did!
33:32.690 --> 33:35.230
Yes, a couple of years ago.
We did!
33:35.270 --> 33:37.650
Come on. You got all your demands
worked out, then?
33:37.730 --> 33:39.900
- Of course we have.
- What are they?
33:39.940 --> 33:42.440
- Well, I'm not telling you.
- Oh, come on!
33:42.520 --> 33:45.270
That's not the point.
We thought of it before you.
33:45.350 --> 33:47.270
- Did not!
- We did!
33:47.350 --> 33:50.480
You bastards, we've been
planning this for months.
33:50.560 --> 33:54.770
Well, tough pity for you,
Fish Face. Oh!
33:54.810 --> 33:57.600
Brothers, we should
be struggling together.
33:57.690 --> 34:01.270
- We mustn't fight each other.
34:01.350 --> 34:04.770
Surely, we should be united
against the common enemy.
34:04.810 --> 34:07.310
The Judean People's Front!
34:07.400 --> 34:09.810
No, no, the Romans!
34:09.900 --> 34:12.310
Oh, yeah, yeah.
34:12.350 --> 34:14.980
Yeah, he's right.
34:21.100 --> 34:24.560
- Right. Where were we?
- You were gonna punch me.
34:47.480 --> 34:49.980
Brothers!
35:19.150 --> 35:21.100
What
35:51.230 --> 35:53.350
You lucky bastard.
35:53.440 --> 35:55.400
Who's that?
35:55.480 --> 35:57.480
You lucky, lucky bastard.
35:57.560 --> 36:00.850
What?
Quite the little jailer's pet, are we?
36:00.940 --> 36:04.400
- What do you mean?
- You must've slipped him a few shekels.
36:04.480 --> 36:07.480
Slipped him a few shekels?
You saw him spit in my face.
36:07.560 --> 36:11.770
Oh, what wouldn't I give
to be spat at in the face!
36:11.850 --> 36:16.480
I sometimes hang awake at night
dreaming of being spat at in the face.
36:16.560 --> 36:19.440
Well, it's not exactly friendly.
They have me in manacles.
36:19.520 --> 36:21.940
Manacles?
36:22.020 --> 36:25.730
My idea of heaven is to be
allowed to be put in manacles...
36:25.810 --> 36:27.900
just for a few hours.
36:27.940 --> 36:32.100
They must think the sun shines
out of your ass, son.
36:32.190 --> 36:34.230
Oh, lay off me!
I've had a hard time!
36:34.270 --> 36:37.560
You've had a hard time?
I've been here five years.
36:37.650 --> 36:40.940
They only hung me the right way
up yesterday, so don't you
36:40.980 --> 36:43.400
All right, all right.
36:43.480 --> 36:47.270
They must think
you're Lord God Almighty.
36:47.350 --> 36:51.100
- What will they do to me?
- Oh, you'll probably
get away with crucifixion.
36:51.190 --> 36:54.270
- Crucifixion?
- Yeah, first offense.
36:54.310 --> 36:56.440
Get away with crucifixion?
It's
36:56.520 --> 36:59.350
- Best thing the Romans ever did for us.
- What?
36:59.440 --> 37:02.810
Oh, yeah, if we didn't have crucifixion,
this country'd be in a bloody mess.
37:02.850 --> 37:05.770
- Guard!
- Nail him up, I say!
37:05.850 --> 37:08.940
- Guard!
- Nail some sense into him!
37:09.020 --> 37:11.020
What do you want?
37:11.100 --> 37:14.310
- I want you to move me to another cell.
37:14.400 --> 37:17.810
- Aah!
- Oh, look at that! Bloody favoritism.
37:17.900 --> 37:20.810
- Shut up, you!
- Sorry.
37:23.980 --> 37:27.100
Now take my case.
They hung me up here five years ago.
37:27.150 --> 37:30.150
Every night, they take me down for
20 minutes, then they hang me up again,
37:30.230 --> 37:33.270
which I regard as very fair
in view of what I've done.
37:33.310 --> 37:38.100
And if nothing else, it's
taught me to respect the Romans,
37:38.190 --> 37:42.100
and it's taught me that you'll
never get anywhere in this life...
37:42.190 --> 37:46.600
unless you're prepared to do
a fair day's work for a fair day's
37:46.650 --> 37:49.230
Oh, shut up!
37:49.310 --> 37:52.310
- Here.
- Pilate wants to see you.
37:52.350 --> 37:54.350
- Me?
- Come on!
37:54.440 --> 37:56.600
Pilate? What's he want
to see me for?
37:56.690 --> 37:59.650
I think he wants to know which way up
you want to be crucified.
37:59.730 --> 38:03.100
Nice one, centurion. Like it.
38:03.150 --> 38:07.480
- Shut up!
- Right, right.
38:07.560 --> 38:11.440
Terrific race, the Romans.
Terrific!
38:28.940 --> 38:30.850
- Hail Caesar.
- Hail.
38:30.940 --> 38:34.650
- Only one survivor, sir.
- Oh. "Thwow" him to the floor.
38:34.730 --> 38:37.900
- What's that?
- Throw him to the floor.
38:37.940 --> 38:39.940
Oh.
38:42.810 --> 38:46.150
Now, what is
your name, Jew?
38:46.230 --> 38:49.150
- Brian, sir.
- "Bwian," eh?
38:49.190 --> 38:51.100
No, no. Brian.
38:51.190 --> 38:53.400
- Aah!
38:53.480 --> 38:56.400
The little rascal
has "spiwit."
38:56.440 --> 38:58.770
- Has what, sir?
- "Spiwit."
38:58.850 --> 39:00.940
Yes, he did, sir.
39:01.020 --> 39:05.350
No, no. "Spiwit," "bwavado,"
a touch of "dewwingdo."
39:05.440 --> 39:07.940
Oh, uh, about 11, sir.
39:10.600 --> 39:14.100
So, you dare to "waid" us?
39:14.190 --> 39:16.150
To what, sir?
39:16.190 --> 39:18.650
"Stwike" him, centurion,
very "woughly."
39:18.690 --> 39:22.100
- Aah!
- And "thwow" him to the floor, sir?
39:22.190 --> 39:24.730
- What?
- "Thwow" him to the floor again, sir?
39:24.810 --> 39:27.810
Oh, yes, "thwow" him
to the floor, please.
39:27.900 --> 39:32.730
- Aah!
- Now, Jewish "wapscallion"
39:32.810 --> 39:34.940
I'm not Jewish.
I'm a Roman.
39:34.980 --> 39:37.940
- A "Woman"?
- No, no. Roman.
39:37.980 --> 39:39.940
Aah!
39:40.020 --> 39:44.980
So, your father was
a "Woman." Who was he?
39:45.020 --> 39:48.770
He was a centurion
in the Jerusalem garrison, sir.
39:48.850 --> 39:52.020
Really?
What was his name?
39:52.100 --> 39:55.400
- "Naughtius Maximus."
39:59.140 --> 40:02.930
Centurion, do you have
anyone of that name in the garrison?
40:03.010 --> 40:05.140
Well, no, sir.
40:05.220 --> 40:08.390
Well, you sound very sure.
Have you checked?
40:08.430 --> 40:12.260
Well, no, sir.
I think it's a joke, sir.
40:12.350 --> 40:16.470
Like, uh, "Sillius Soddus"
or "Biggus Dickus," sir.
40:18.640 --> 40:21.550
What's funny
about "Biggus Dickus"?
40:22.930 --> 40:25.970
Well, it's a joke name, sir.
40:26.050 --> 40:29.430
I have a very great
friend in Rome called Biggus Dickus.
40:32.100 --> 40:35.220
Silence!
What is all this insolence?
40:35.260 --> 40:38.720
You will find yourself
in gladiator school "vewy" quickly...
40:38.760 --> 40:40.720
with "wotten" behavior like that.
40:40.760 --> 40:44.180
Can I go now, sir?
Aaah!
40:44.220 --> 40:46.720
Wait till Biggus Dickus
hears of this.
40:46.760 --> 40:50.100
- "Wight"! Take him away!
40:50.180 --> 40:53.760
- Oh, sir, he
- I want him fighting wild,
"wabid" animals within a week.
40:53.850 --> 40:56.680
Yes, sir.
Come on, you.
41:00.930 --> 41:05.550
I will not have my friends
"widiculed" by the common "soldiewy."
41:07.390 --> 41:11.970
Anyone else feel like
a little giggle...
41:12.050 --> 41:15.640
when I mention my "fwiend,"
41:15.720 --> 41:18.930
- Biggus...
41:19.010 --> 41:22.100
- Dickus?
41:24.470 --> 41:29.720
What about you?
Do you find it "wisible"...
41:31.350 --> 41:34.510
when I say the name...
41:34.600 --> 41:39.220
Biggus... Dickus?
41:58.890 --> 42:02.600
He has a wife, you know?
42:02.680 --> 42:05.350
You know what she's called?
42:07.850 --> 42:11.180
She's called "lncontinentia."
42:13.890 --> 42:16.140
- "lncontinentia Buttocks."
42:16.220 --> 42:18.510
Shut up!
What is all this?
42:18.600 --> 42:21.850
I've had enough of this
"wowdy," "webel" behavior!
42:21.890 --> 42:25.680
- Silence! Quiet!
"Pwaetowian" guards!
42:25.720 --> 42:29.550
Seize him! Seize him!
Blow your noses and seize him!
42:43.430 --> 42:46.100
Hmm? Hmm.
44:27.220 --> 44:30.100
Oh, you lucky bastard.
44:45.470 --> 44:48.890
And the bezan
shall be huge and black...
44:48.930 --> 44:53.510
And the eyes thereof red with
the blood of living creatures!
44:53.550 --> 44:56.430
And the whore of Babylon...
44:56.470 --> 44:59.720
shall ride forth
on a threeheaded serpent!
44:59.800 --> 45:04.720
And throughout the lands
there'll be a great rubbing of parts.
45:04.800 --> 45:09.220
The demon shall bear
a ninebladed sword.
45:09.260 --> 45:13.800
Ninebladed not two
or five or seven, but nine
45:13.890 --> 45:18.600
which he will wield on all wretched
sinners, just like you, sir, there.
45:18.680 --> 45:22.850
And the whoring shall be
on the head of Addius.
45:22.930 --> 45:28.350
There shall in that time
be rumors of things going astray,
45:28.390 --> 45:32.890
um, and there shall be a great confusion
as to where things really are.
45:32.970 --> 45:35.970
And nobody will really know
where lieth...
45:36.050 --> 45:38.600
those little things...
45:38.680 --> 45:41.890
with the sort of raffia work
base that has an attachment.
45:41.930 --> 45:46.720
At this time, a friend
shall lose his friend's hammer,
45:46.800 --> 45:50.600
and the young shall not know
where lieth...
45:50.680 --> 45:52.930
the things possessed
by their fathers...
45:53.010 --> 45:56.680
that their fathers put there
only just the night before about 8:00.
45:56.720 --> 46:00.550
Yea, it is written
in the Book of Cyril...
46:00.600 --> 46:03.050
in that time
46:12.100 --> 46:15.100
How much, quick?
It's for the wife.
46:15.180 --> 46:18.180
- Oh, uh, 20 shekels.
- Right.
46:18.220 --> 46:20.300
- What?
- There you are.
46:20.390 --> 46:22.300
- Wait a minute.
- What?
46:22.390 --> 46:24.760
- We're supposed to haggle.
- No, no, no. I've got to get
46:24.850 --> 46:26.760
- What do you mean, no?
- I haven't got time.
46:26.850 --> 46:29.300
- Well, give it back, then.
- No, no. I just paid you.
46:29.390 --> 46:32.760
- Burt, this bloke won't haggle.
- Won't haggle?
46:32.800 --> 46:34.930
All right.
Do we have to?
46:35.010 --> 46:37.680
- I want 20 for that.
- I just gave you 20.
46:37.760 --> 46:40.470
- Are you telling me
that's not worth 20 shekels?
- No.
46:40.550 --> 46:43.970
- Feel the quality.
That's none of your goat.
- I'll give you 19, then.
46:44.050 --> 46:46.050
- No, no, no. Do it properly.
- What?
46:46.100 --> 46:49.510
- Haggle properly. This isn't worth 19.
- You just said it was worth 20.
46:49.600 --> 46:52.350
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Come on, haggle.
46:52.430 --> 46:54.890
- All right, I'll give you ten.
- That's more like it.
46:54.930 --> 46:57.100
Ten? Are you
trying to insult me?
46:57.180 --> 46:59.970
Me with a poor, dying
grandmother? Ten?
47:00.050 --> 47:02.890
- All right, I'll give you 11.
- Now you're gettin' it.
47:02.970 --> 47:07.350
Did I hear you right? Eleven?
This cost me 12. You want to ruin me?
47:07.390 --> 47:10.100
- Seventeen?
- No, no, no, no. Seventeen.
47:10.180 --> 47:12.680
- Eighteen.
- No, no. You go to 14 now.
47:12.760 --> 47:15.600
- All right, I'll give you 14.
- Fourteen? Are you joking?
47:15.680 --> 47:17.970
- That's what you told me to say!
- Oh, dear.
47:18.050 --> 47:20.350
Oh, tell me
what to say, please!
47:20.390 --> 47:22.390
- Offer me 14.
- I'll give you 14.
47:22.430 --> 47:25.510
- He's offering me 14 for this!
- Fifteen!
47:25.600 --> 47:28.930
Seventeen. My last word. I won't take
a penny less, or strike me dead.
47:29.010 --> 47:30.850
- Sixteen.
- Done.
47:30.890 --> 47:32.970
Nice to do business with you.
47:33.050 --> 47:36.010
- I'll throw you in this as well.
- I don't want it, but thanks.
47:36.100 --> 47:38.350
- Burt.
- All right, all right.
47:38.390 --> 47:41.140
- Now, where's the 16 you owe me?
- I just gave you 20.
47:41.220 --> 47:43.970
- Right. That's four I owe you, then.
- That's right. That's fine.
47:44.050 --> 47:46.430
- I've got it here somewhere.
- That's four for the gourd.
47:46.510 --> 47:49.140
Four? For this gourd?
47:49.220 --> 47:52.050
Look at it! It's worth ten
if it's worth a shekel.
47:52.140 --> 47:55.390
- You gave it to me for nothing.
- Yes, but it's worth ten.
47:55.470 --> 47:57.260
All right, all right.
47:59.850 --> 48:02.180
No, no, no, no.
It's not worth ten.
48:02.260 --> 48:05.890
You're supposed to argue.
"Ten for that? You must be mad."
48:08.600 --> 48:12.010
Oh, well.
One born every minute.
48:12.050 --> 48:14.050
- Daniel.
- Daniel.
48:14.140 --> 48:16.300
- Job.
- Job.
48:16.390 --> 48:18.470
- Joshua.
- Joshua.
48:18.550 --> 48:20.850
- Judges.
- Judges.
48:20.890 --> 48:23.600
- And Brian.
- And Brian.
48:23.680 --> 48:28.010
I now propose that all seven
of these exbrothers...
48:28.100 --> 48:31.550
be now entered in the minutes
as probationary martyrs to the cause.
48:31.640 --> 48:35.100
- I second that, Reg.
- Thank you, Loretta. On the nod.
48:35.180 --> 48:39.350
Siblings, let us not
be down on it.
48:39.390 --> 48:42.800
One total catastrophe like this...
48:42.890 --> 48:44.680
is just the beginning!
48:44.720 --> 48:47.680
Their glorious deaths
shall unite us all in
48:47.720 --> 48:49.680
Look out!
49:00.390 --> 49:02.510
Hello?
49:02.600 --> 49:04.680
Matthias?
49:04.720 --> 49:07.050
- Reg?
- Go away.
49:08.760 --> 49:10.720
Reg, it's me, Brian.
49:10.760 --> 49:12.890
Get off!
Get off out of it!
49:12.970 --> 49:14.930
- Stan!
- Piss off.
49:14.970 --> 49:16.850
- Yeah, piss off.
- Bugger off.
49:19.180 --> 49:22.010
Oh, shit!
49:22.050 --> 49:24.010
Coming.
49:28.680 --> 49:32.390
Yea, verily at that time it is
written in the book of Obadiah,
49:32.470 --> 49:37.390
a man shall strike his donkey
and his nephew's donkey.
49:40.390 --> 49:43.550
My eyes are dim.
I cannot see.
49:43.640 --> 49:46.100
- Are you Matthias?
- Yes.
49:46.180 --> 49:49.100
We have reason to believe
you may be hiding one Brian of Nazareth,
49:49.180 --> 49:52.350
a member of the terrorist organization,
the People's Front of Judea.
49:52.430 --> 49:55.180
Me? No.
I'm just a poor old man.
49:55.260 --> 49:57.260
I have no time
for lawbreakers.
49:57.350 --> 49:59.680
My legs are grey.
My ears are nulled.
49:59.760 --> 50:01.760
My eyes are old and bent.
50:01.850 --> 50:03.890
Quiet!
Silly person.
50:03.970 --> 50:06.050
Guards, search the house.
50:16.550 --> 50:19.050
You know the penalty
laid down by Roman law...
50:19.140 --> 50:21.140
for harboring
a known criminal?
50:21.220 --> 50:23.140
- No.
- Crucifixion.
50:23.220 --> 50:25.470
Oh.
50:25.550 --> 50:29.180
- Nasty, eh?
- Could be worse.
50:29.260 --> 50:31.680
What do you mean,
"Could be worse"?
50:31.760 --> 50:33.970
Well, you could be stabbed.
50:34.050 --> 50:37.510
Stabbed? Takes a second.
Crucifixion lasts hours.
50:37.600 --> 50:40.180
It's a slow, horrible death.
50:40.260 --> 50:43.430
Well, at least it gets you
out in the open air.
50:44.720 --> 50:46.640
You're weird.
50:53.930 --> 50:57.220
No, sir.
Couldn't find anything, sir.
50:57.260 --> 51:01.510
Well, don't worry.
You've not seen the last of us, weirdo.
51:01.550 --> 51:04.050
- Big Nose.
- Watch it!
51:06.850 --> 51:09.470
Whew, that was lucky.
51:12.680 --> 51:14.600
I'm sorry, Reg.
51:14.680 --> 51:16.930
Oh, it's all right.
He's sorry.
51:17.010 --> 51:19.720
He's sorry he led the Fifth Legion
straight to our headquarters.
51:19.760 --> 51:22.640
Well, that's all right,
then, Brian. Sit down.
51:22.720 --> 51:26.260
Have a scone.
Make yourself at home. You klutz!
51:26.350 --> 51:29.800
You stupid, birdbrained,
flatheaded
51:37.180 --> 51:40.550
- My legs are old and bent.
51:40.600 --> 51:42.550
My ears are grizzled. Yes?
51:42.600 --> 51:45.800
There's one place
we didn't look. Guards!
51:45.890 --> 51:49.970
- I'm just a poor old man.
51:50.050 --> 51:51.970
My nose is knackered.
51:52.050 --> 51:54.470
Have you ever seen
anyone crucified?
51:54.550 --> 51:56.890
Crucifixion's a doddle.
51:56.930 --> 51:58.890
Don't keep saying that.
52:04.530 --> 52:06.820
Found this spoon, sir.
52:06.900 --> 52:09.110
Well done, sergeant.
52:09.200 --> 52:12.700
We'll be back, oddball.
52:15.710 --> 52:17.840
Open up!
52:17.920 --> 52:20.460
You haven't given us
time to hide.
52:32.550 --> 52:36.340
- ln that time
- The serpent, he shall strike you
52:36.420 --> 52:40.880
- Holes from every bitch
you got germs from
- Jumbo jets
52:44.730 --> 52:47.440
Don't pass judgement
on other people...
52:47.480 --> 52:49.600
or you might
get judged yourself.
52:49.690 --> 52:53.310
- What?
- I said, don't pass
judgement on other people...
52:53.400 --> 52:56.100
or else you might
get judged too.
52:56.190 --> 52:58.060
- Who, me?
- Yes.
52:58.150 --> 53:01.270
- Thank you very much.
- Not just you. All of you.
53:01.350 --> 53:03.690
- That's a nice gourd.
- What?
53:03.770 --> 53:06.230
- How much do you want for the gourd?
- You can have it.
53:06.310 --> 53:09.060
- Have it?
- Yes. Consider the lilies.
53:09.150 --> 53:11.350
- Don't you want to haggle?
- No. In the field.
53:11.440 --> 53:13.650
- What's wrong with it?
- Nothing. Take it.
53:13.730 --> 53:16.850
- Consider the lilies?
- Well, the birds, then.
53:16.940 --> 53:18.850
- What birds?
- Any birds.
53:18.940 --> 53:21.480
- Why?
- Well, have they got jobs?
53:21.560 --> 53:23.480
- Who?
- The birds.
53:23.560 --> 53:25.480
Have the birds got jobs?
53:25.560 --> 53:29.100
- What's the matter with him?
- Says the birds are scrounging.
53:29.190 --> 53:32.100
The point is, the birds,
they do all right, don't they?
53:32.190 --> 53:34.980
- Well, good luck to 'em.
- Yeah, they're very pretty.
53:35.060 --> 53:39.020
Okay. And you're much more
important than they are, right?
53:39.100 --> 53:41.850
So what are you worrying about?
There you are. See?
53:41.940 --> 53:44.560
I'm worrying about what
you've got against birds.
53:44.650 --> 53:46.730
I haven't got anything
against the birds.
53:46.810 --> 53:49.770
- Consider the lilies.
- He's having a go at the flowers now!
53:49.810 --> 53:52.770
- Give the flowers a chance.
- I'll give you one for it.
53:52.810 --> 53:55.020
- It's yours.
- Two, then.
53:55.100 --> 53:57.400
Look, there was this man,
and he had two servants.
53:57.440 --> 54:00.190
What were they called?
What were their names?
54:00.270 --> 54:02.770
I don't know.
And he gave them some talents.
54:02.850 --> 54:05.560
- You don't know?
- Well, it doesn't matter.
54:05.600 --> 54:07.690
He doesn't know
what they were called!
54:07.770 --> 54:11.020
- They were called Simon and Adrian.
- You said you didn't know!
54:11.100 --> 54:14.150
It really doesn't matter. The point is,
there were these two servants.
54:14.230 --> 54:17.190
- He's making it up as he goes along.
- No, I'm not!
54:17.270 --> 54:19.520
And he gave them
Wait, were there three?
54:19.600 --> 54:21.940
- Oh, he's terrible.
54:22.020 --> 54:25.480
- There were two or three.
- Oh, get off!
54:31.310 --> 54:34.060
Now hear this!
Blessed are they...
54:34.150 --> 54:36.440
- Three.
- who convert their neighbor's asses.
54:36.480 --> 54:40.270
- For they shall inhibit their girth.
- Rubbish!
54:40.310 --> 54:43.560
- And to them only shall be given
54:43.650 --> 54:46.900
to them only...
54:46.980 --> 54:50.770
shall be given
54:52.600 --> 54:54.560
- What?
- Hmm?
54:54.600 --> 54:57.230
- Shall be given what?
- Oh, nothing.
54:57.310 --> 54:59.730
- What were you going to say?
- Nothing.
54:59.810 --> 55:02.100
- Yes, you were going to say something.
- No, I finished.
55:02.190 --> 55:05.270
- Tell us before you go.
- I'm finished.
55:05.350 --> 55:07.650
- No, you don't.
- Why won't he tell?
55:07.730 --> 55:10.400
- Won't say!
- It ain't a secret, is it?
55:10.440 --> 55:13.270
- Must be, otherwise he'd tell us.
- Tell us.
55:13.310 --> 55:15.350
- Leave me alone.
- What is the secret?
55:15.440 --> 55:17.810
- ls it the secret of eternal life?
- He won't say.
55:17.900 --> 55:20.600
If I knew the secret
of eternal life, I wouldn't say.
55:20.690 --> 55:23.230
- Leave me alone!
- Just tell me, please.
55:23.310 --> 55:26.190
- We were here first.
55:26.270 --> 55:28.850
- Go away!
- Tell us, master.
55:28.940 --> 55:31.900
- ls that his gourd?
- Yeah, but it's under offer.
55:31.940 --> 55:34.060
This is his gourd.
55:34.150 --> 55:37.350
- Ten!
- It is his gourd!
55:37.440 --> 55:40.400
We will carry it
for you, master.
55:40.440 --> 55:43.940
- Master?
- He's gone!
55:44.020 --> 55:46.440
- He's been taken up.
55:46.480 --> 55:48.560
He's been taken up!
55:48.650 --> 55:51.480
- Nineteen!
- No, there he is. Over there.
56:17.730 --> 56:20.020
Look! Oh! Oh!
56:20.100 --> 56:22.020
He has given us a sign.
56:22.100 --> 56:24.480
He has given us his shoe!
56:24.560 --> 56:27.350
The shoe is the sign.
Let us follow his example.
56:27.440 --> 56:31.600
- What?
- Let us, like him, hold up one shoe!
56:31.690 --> 56:35.900
For this is his sign that all
who follow him shall do likewise!
56:35.980 --> 56:38.480
- Yes!
- No, no. The shoe is a sign...
56:38.560 --> 56:41.730
that we must gather shoes
together in abundance.
56:41.810 --> 56:44.310
Cast off the shoes.
Follow the gourd!
56:44.400 --> 56:47.440
No, let us gather shoes
together! Let me!
56:47.480 --> 56:51.850
No, it is a sign that, like him, we must
think not of the things of the body...
56:51.940 --> 56:53.850
but of the face and head.
56:53.940 --> 56:56.520
- Give me your shoe!
- Get off!
56:56.600 --> 57:00.020
Follow the gourd,
the Holy Gourd of Jerusalem!
57:00.100 --> 57:03.770
- The gourd!
- Hold up the sandal,
as he has commanded us.
57:03.810 --> 57:06.440
- It is a shoe!
- It's a sandal!
57:06.520 --> 57:08.980
- No, it isn't!
- Cast it away!
57:09.060 --> 57:10.980
- Put it on!
- Clear off!
57:11.060 --> 57:13.650
Take the shoes
and follow him!
57:19.560 --> 57:22.270
Come back! Stop!
57:22.350 --> 57:25.810
Let us Let us pray.
57:26.980 --> 57:29.850
Yea, he cometh to us...
57:29.940 --> 57:32.230
Iike the seeds of the grain.
57:54.560 --> 57:58.270
Master! Master!
58:20.150 --> 58:23.190
Hey! ls there
another way down?
58:24.400 --> 58:26.900
Is there another path
down to the river?
58:26.980 --> 58:30.270
Please, please help me.
I've got to get
58:33.850 --> 58:36.940
Oh, my foot! Oh
58:37.020 --> 58:40.310
- Shhh.
- Oh, damn, damn, damn!
58:40.400 --> 58:43.940
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, damn, damn it! Blast it!
58:44.020 --> 58:46.270
- I'm sorry. Shhh.
- Don't you "shhh" me.
58:46.350 --> 58:49.400
Eighteen years of total silence,
and you "shhh" me!
58:49.440 --> 58:52.600
- What?
- I've kept my vow for 18 years...
58:52.690 --> 58:56.730
Not a single, recognizable,
articulate sound has passed my lips.
58:56.770 --> 58:59.350
Could you be quiet
for another five minutes?
58:59.440 --> 59:02.060
It doesn't matter now.
I might as well enjoy myself.
59:02.100 --> 59:04.900
For the last 18 years,
I've wanted to shout...
59:04.980 --> 59:07.690
and sing and scream
my name out!
59:07.770 --> 59:09.850
- Shhh. Shhh.
- Oh, I'm alive!
59:09.940 --> 59:13.020
Hava nagila, hava nagila
59:13.100 --> 59:15.940
Hava nagila
59:15.980 --> 59:19.650
Oh, I'm alive! I'm alive!
Hello, birds. Hello, trees.
59:19.730 --> 59:22.480
I'm alive! I'm alive!
59:22.560 --> 59:27.440
Hava nagila
Hava n'ra, n'ra
59:27.520 --> 59:31.020
Master! Master! Master!
59:31.100 --> 59:34.560
- Master!
- The master! He is here!
59:34.650 --> 59:39.020
- His shoe led us to him!
59:39.100 --> 59:42.770
Speak! Speak to us, master.
Speak to us!
59:42.850 --> 59:44.560
Go away!
59:44.600 --> 59:47.230
A blessing! A blessing!
59:47.310 --> 59:49.770
How shall we go away, master?
59:49.810 --> 59:52.270
Oh, just go away
and leave me alone!
59:52.310 --> 59:54.480
Give us a sign!
59:54.560 --> 59:57.850
He has given us a sign!
He has brought us to this place!
59:57.940 --> 01:00:00.770
I didn't bring you here.
You just followed me.
01:00:00.810 --> 01:00:03.900
Oh, it's still a good sign
by any standard.
01:00:03.980 --> 01:00:06.900
Master, your people
have walked many miles to be with you!
01:00:06.940 --> 01:00:08.940
They are weary
and have not eaten.
01:00:09.020 --> 01:00:11.150
It's not my fault
they haven't eaten.
01:00:11.230 --> 01:00:13.690
There is no food
in this high mountain!
01:00:13.770 --> 01:00:16.980
What about the juniper
bushes over there?
01:00:17.100 --> 01:00:20.770
A miracle! A miracle!
01:00:20.850 --> 01:00:25.190
He has made the bush
fruitful by his words!
01:00:25.230 --> 01:00:27.650
They've brought forth
juniper berries.
01:00:27.730 --> 01:00:31.400
Of course! They're juniper bushes!
What do you expect!
01:00:31.480 --> 01:00:33.560
Show us another miracle.
01:00:33.650 --> 01:00:35.730
Do not tempt him, shallow ones!
01:00:35.810 --> 01:00:39.520
Is not the miracle of
the juniper bushes enough?
01:00:39.600 --> 01:00:41.690
I say, those
are my juniper bushes!
01:00:41.770 --> 01:00:45.440
- They are a gift from God.
- They're all I've got to eat.
01:00:45.520 --> 01:00:50.690
I say, get off those bushes.
Go on. Clear off.
01:00:50.730 --> 01:00:55.020
Lord, I am affected
by a bald patch.
01:00:55.060 --> 01:00:58.440
I'm healed!
The master has healed me!
01:00:58.520 --> 01:01:00.440
I didn't touch him!
01:01:00.520 --> 01:01:03.310
I was blind,
and now I can see!
01:01:03.400 --> 01:01:06.520
A miracle! A miracle!
01:01:06.600 --> 01:01:09.650
- Tell them to stop it.
01:01:09.730 --> 01:01:13.230
I hadn't said a word
for 18 years till he came along.
01:01:13.310 --> 01:01:17.060
A miracle!
He is the Messiah!
01:01:17.150 --> 01:01:18.900
He hurt my foot!
01:01:18.940 --> 01:01:22.230
- Hurt my foot!
- Hurt mine!
01:01:22.310 --> 01:01:26.060
- Hail Messiah!
- I'm not the Messiah.
01:01:26.150 --> 01:01:29.690
I say you are, Lord, and I should know.
I've followed a few.
01:01:29.730 --> 01:01:32.060
Hail Messiah!
01:01:32.100 --> 01:01:34.980
I'm not the Messiah!
Will you please listen?
01:01:35.060 --> 01:01:38.350
I'm not the Messiah!
Do you understand? Honestly!
01:01:38.440 --> 01:01:42.810
Only the true Messiah
denies his divinity.
01:01:42.900 --> 01:01:46.230
What? Well, what sort of chance
does that give me?
01:01:46.310 --> 01:01:48.520
All right,
I am the Messiah!
01:01:48.600 --> 01:01:52.310
He is!
He is the Messiah!
01:01:52.400 --> 01:01:54.730
Now, fuck off!
01:02:02.520 --> 01:02:04.480
How shall we
fuck off, O Lord?
01:02:04.560 --> 01:02:06.400
Just leave me alone!
01:02:06.480 --> 01:02:09.600
You told these people
to eat my juniper berries!
01:02:09.690 --> 01:02:12.690
You break my bloody foot,
you break my vow of silence...
01:02:12.770 --> 01:02:15.810
and then you try to clean up
on my juniper bushes!
01:02:15.900 --> 01:02:19.230
- Lay off!
- This is the Messiah, the Chosen One!
01:02:19.270 --> 01:02:22.400
- No, he's not.
- An unbeliever!
01:02:22.480 --> 01:02:26.650
- An unbeliever!
- Persecute. Kill the heretic!
01:02:29.230 --> 01:02:32.650
- Seize him!
- Leave him alone!
01:02:32.730 --> 01:02:35.020
Leave him alone!
01:02:35.060 --> 01:02:37.350
Leave him alone.
01:02:37.440 --> 01:02:40.400
Let him go! Please!
01:02:44.350 --> 01:02:47.270
- Brian?
- Judith?
01:02:52.020 --> 01:02:54.940
Cockadoodledoo!
01:03:33.980 --> 01:03:38.690
Look! There he is!
The Chosen One has woken!
01:03:41.230 --> 01:03:43.650
Brian!
01:03:46.100 --> 01:03:48.190
- Brian!
- Hang on, Mother!
01:03:48.230 --> 01:03:50.310
Shhh.
01:03:52.310 --> 01:03:55.400
- Hello, Mother.
- Don't you "Hello, Mother" me!
01:03:55.480 --> 01:03:57.650
What are all those people
doing out there?
01:03:57.730 --> 01:04:00.690
- Well, I
- Come on. What have you been up to?
01:04:00.730 --> 01:04:03.230
I think they must have
popped by for something.
01:04:03.270 --> 01:04:06.060
Popped by?
Swarmed by, more like.
01:04:06.150 --> 01:04:08.230
There's a multitude out there!
01:04:08.310 --> 01:04:10.440
They started following me yesterday.
01:04:10.520 --> 01:04:13.650
Well, they can stop
following you right now.
01:04:13.730 --> 01:04:16.560
Now, stop following my son!
01:04:16.650 --> 01:04:19.560
You ought to be
ashamed of yourselves.
01:04:19.650 --> 01:04:23.940
The Messiah! The Messiah!
Show us the Messiah!
01:04:24.020 --> 01:04:26.900
- The who?
- The Messiah!
01:04:26.940 --> 01:04:29.600
There's no messiah in here.
01:04:29.690 --> 01:04:32.900
There's a mess, all right,
but no messiah. Now, go away.
01:04:32.980 --> 01:04:35.520
Brian! Brian!
01:04:35.600 --> 01:04:37.690
Right, my lad.
What have you been up to?
01:04:37.770 --> 01:04:39.730
- Nothing, Mum.
- Come on, out with it.
01:04:39.810 --> 01:04:41.730
Well, they think
I'm the Messiah, Mum.
01:04:41.810 --> 01:04:44.190
What have you
been telling them?
01:04:44.270 --> 01:04:46.560
- Nothing. I only
- You're only making it
worse for yourself.
01:04:46.600 --> 01:04:50.150
- I can explain.
- Let me explain, Mrs. Cohen!
01:04:50.230 --> 01:04:52.850
- Your son is a born leader.
01:04:52.940 --> 01:04:56.600
Those people out there are following him
because they believe in him.
01:04:56.690 --> 01:04:59.600
They believe he can give them hope
hope of a new life,
01:04:59.690 --> 01:05:02.150
a new world,
a better future!
01:05:04.350 --> 01:05:06.600
- Who's that?
01:05:06.690 --> 01:05:09.730
That's Judith, Mum.
Judith, Mother.
01:05:09.810 --> 01:05:11.730
Hmm. Aaah!
01:05:13.480 --> 01:05:17.560
- Ohhh!
- Messiah! Messiah! Messiah!
01:05:17.650 --> 01:05:20.600
Messiah!
Show us the Messiah!
01:05:20.690 --> 01:05:23.900
Now, you listen here.
He's not the Messiah!
01:05:23.980 --> 01:05:27.230
He's a very naughty boy.
Now, go away!
01:05:27.310 --> 01:05:31.350
- Who are you?
- I'm his mother, that's who.
01:05:31.440 --> 01:05:35.900
Behold his mother!
Behold his mother!
01:05:35.980 --> 01:05:39.400
Hail to thee,
mother of Brian!
01:05:39.440 --> 01:05:43.980
Blessed art thou!
Hosanna!
01:05:44.060 --> 01:05:47.690
All praise to thee,
now and always!
01:05:47.730 --> 01:05:50.980
Well, now don't think
you can get around me like that.
01:05:51.060 --> 01:05:54.520
He's not coming out,
and that's my final word.
01:05:55.810 --> 01:05:58.690
- Now, shove off!
- No!
01:05:58.730 --> 01:06:03.190
- Did you hear what I said?
- Yes!
01:06:03.270 --> 01:06:06.190
Oh, I see.
It's like that, is it?
01:06:06.230 --> 01:06:09.650
- Yes!
- Oh, all right, then.
01:06:09.730 --> 01:06:13.440
You can see him for one minute,
but not one second more!
01:06:13.520 --> 01:06:15.980
- Do you understand?
- Yes.
01:06:16.060 --> 01:06:20.230
- Promise?
- Well... all right.
01:06:20.310 --> 01:06:23.980
All right, here he is, then.
Come on, Brian. Come and talk.
01:06:24.060 --> 01:06:27.440
- But, Mum, Judith.
- Oh, leave that Welsh tart alone.
01:06:27.520 --> 01:06:29.480
I don't really want to.
01:06:29.560 --> 01:06:32.600
Brian! Brian!
Brian! Brian!
01:06:36.060 --> 01:06:39.900
- Good morning.
- A blessing! A blessing!
01:06:39.980 --> 01:06:44.520
No, no. Please.
Please, please listen.
01:06:44.600 --> 01:06:47.900
I've got one or two
things to say.
01:06:47.980 --> 01:06:50.520
Tell us!
Tell us both of them!
01:06:50.600 --> 01:06:53.350
Look, you've
got it all wrong.
01:06:53.440 --> 01:06:56.020
You don't need to follow me.
01:06:56.100 --> 01:06:59.400
You don't need
to follow anybody.
01:06:59.440 --> 01:07:01.770
You've got to think
for yourselves.
01:07:01.850 --> 01:07:04.600
You're all individuals.
01:07:04.690 --> 01:07:07.940
Yes, we're all individuals!
01:07:08.020 --> 01:07:10.020
You're all different.
01:07:10.100 --> 01:07:13.270
Yes, we're all different!
01:07:13.350 --> 01:07:16.020
- I'm not.
- Shhh.
01:07:16.100 --> 01:07:19.770
You've all got to work it
out for yourselves.
01:07:19.850 --> 01:07:23.980
Yes, we've got to work it
out for ourselves!
01:07:24.060 --> 01:07:26.020
Exactly.
01:07:26.100 --> 01:07:28.350
Tell us more!
01:07:28.400 --> 01:07:32.940
No! That's the point!
Don't let anyone tell you what to do!
01:07:33.020 --> 01:07:35.020
Otherwise Ow!
01:07:35.100 --> 01:07:37.150
That's enough.
That's enough.
01:07:37.230 --> 01:07:40.730
Ooh, that wasn't a minute!
01:07:42.060 --> 01:07:46.560
- Oh, yes it was!
- Oh, no it wasn't!
01:07:46.650 --> 01:07:49.560
Now, stop that!
And go away!
01:07:49.650 --> 01:07:51.850
- Excuse me?
- Yes?
01:07:51.900 --> 01:07:56.230
- Are you a virgin?
- I beg your pardon!
01:07:56.310 --> 01:08:00.730
Well, if it's not a personal
question, are you a virgin?
01:08:00.810 --> 01:08:03.520
If it's not
a personal question?
01:08:03.600 --> 01:08:06.060
How much more personal
can you get?
01:08:06.100 --> 01:08:08.400
Now, piss off!
01:08:09.650 --> 01:08:11.850
- She is.
- Yeah, definitely.
01:08:16.730 --> 01:08:19.150
- Morning, Savior.
01:08:29.020 --> 01:08:31.100
Lay your hands
on me, quick!
01:08:31.190 --> 01:08:34.440
Now, don't jostle
the Chosen One, please.
01:08:34.520 --> 01:08:38.520
Don't push that baby
in the Savior's face.
01:08:38.600 --> 01:08:42.230
I say, could you just
see my wife?
01:08:42.310 --> 01:08:44.350
You'll have to wait,
I'm afraid.
01:08:44.440 --> 01:08:46.900
We've got
a luncheon appointment.
01:08:46.940 --> 01:08:48.940
The lepers are queuing.
01:08:49.020 --> 01:08:51.900
My brotheronlaw
is the exmayor of Gath!
01:08:51.940 --> 01:08:56.100
Brian, can I introduce
the gentleman who's letting us
have the Mounts on Sunday?
01:08:56.190 --> 01:09:01.310
- Don't push!
- And keep the noise down!
01:09:01.400 --> 01:09:06.520
Those possessed by devils,
try and keep them under control.
01:09:06.560 --> 01:09:09.400
Incurables, you'll just
have to wait for a few minutes.
01:09:09.480 --> 01:09:14.060
Um, women taken in sin, line up
against that wall, will you?
01:09:14.150 --> 01:09:18.940
Brian? Brian,
you were fantastic.
01:09:19.020 --> 01:09:21.150
You weren't so bad yourself.
01:09:21.230 --> 01:09:24.190
No. What you said just now.
It was quite extraordinary.
01:09:24.270 --> 01:09:26.230
What?
All that, was it?
01:09:26.270 --> 01:09:28.400
We don't any leaders.
You're so right.
01:09:28.480 --> 01:09:31.230
- Reg has been dominating us
for too long.
- Well, yes.
01:09:31.310 --> 01:09:35.100
- It needed saying,
and you said it, Brian.
- You're very attractive.
01:09:35.190 --> 01:09:38.440
It's our revolution.
We can all do it together.
01:09:38.520 --> 01:09:41.350
- I think. I think
- We're all behind you, Brian.
01:09:41.400 --> 01:09:44.520
- The revolution is in your hands!
- What?
01:09:44.560 --> 01:09:46.850
No, that's not
what I meant at all!
01:09:46.940 --> 01:09:50.230
You're fuckin' nicked,
me old beauty.
01:09:50.310 --> 01:09:52.230
Right.
01:09:57.980 --> 01:10:00.310
Stop it.
01:10:02.520 --> 01:10:05.900
Well, "Bwian," you've given us
a good "wun" for our money, what?
01:10:08.230 --> 01:10:11.770
But this time, I "guawantee"
you will not escape.
01:10:11.850 --> 01:10:16.810
Guard, do we have any
"cwucifixions" today?
01:10:16.900 --> 01:10:20.480
139, sir. Special celebration.
Passover, sir.
01:10:20.560 --> 01:10:24.850
Right. Now we have 140.
Nice, round number, eh, Biggus?
01:10:24.900 --> 01:10:28.690
- Hail Caesar!
01:10:28.730 --> 01:10:31.730
- Hail.
- The crowd outside getting restless.
01:10:31.810 --> 01:10:33.850
Permission
to disperse them, please.
01:10:33.900 --> 01:10:37.400
Disperse them?
I haven't addressed them yet.
01:10:37.480 --> 01:10:39.060
I know, sir, but
01:10:39.150 --> 01:10:41.560
My "addwess" is one of
the high points of the Passover.
01:10:41.650 --> 01:10:43.850
My "fwiend" Biggus Dickus has
come all the way from "Wome."
01:10:43.940 --> 01:10:47.400
- Hail Caesar.
- Hail "Thaesar,"
01:10:47.440 --> 01:10:50.270
You're not
01:10:50.350 --> 01:10:54.020
Are you not thinking of giving it
a miss this year, then, sir?
01:10:54.100 --> 01:10:56.190
Give it a miss?
01:10:56.230 --> 01:10:59.650
Well, it's just that they're in
a rather funny mood today, sir.
01:10:59.730 --> 01:11:02.730
"Weally," "centuwion," I'm "surpwised"
to hear a man like you...
01:11:02.810 --> 01:11:05.230
"wattled" by
a "wabble" of "wowdy" "webels."
01:11:05.270 --> 01:11:08.400
- Uh, a bit thundery, sir.
- Take him away.
01:11:08.440 --> 01:11:11.270
I'm a Roman!
Il can prove it! Honestly!
01:11:11.350 --> 01:11:14.690
And "cwucify" him well.
Yes.
01:11:14.730 --> 01:11:17.310
Biggus.
01:11:17.400 --> 01:11:20.100
- Il really wouldn't, sir.
- Out of the way, "centuwion."
01:11:20.190 --> 01:11:22.440
Let me come with you,
Pontius.
01:11:22.520 --> 01:11:26.690
I may be of "thome" "athistance"
if there is a "thudden" "crithis."
01:11:26.730 --> 01:11:31.100
Right. Now item four:
Attainment of world supremacy
within the next five years.
01:11:31.190 --> 01:11:34.350
- Uh, Francis, you've been
doing some work on this?
- Yeah. Thank you, Reg.
01:11:34.440 --> 01:11:37.900
Well, quite frankly, siblings,
I think five years is optimistic...
01:11:37.940 --> 01:11:40.900
unless we can smash the Roman Empire
within the next 12 months.
01:11:40.980 --> 01:11:42.900
- Twelve months, yeah?
- Twelve months.
01:11:42.980 --> 01:11:46.440
And let's face it, as empires
go, this is the big one,
01:11:46.520 --> 01:11:50.770
so we gotta get up off our asses
and stop just talkin' about it.
01:11:50.850 --> 01:11:53.730
- Hear! Hear!
- It's action that counts, not words.
01:11:53.810 --> 01:11:56.190
- And we need action now!
- Hear! Hear!
01:11:56.230 --> 01:11:58.270
You're right. We could
sit around here all day,
01:11:58.350 --> 01:12:01.770
talkin', passin' resolutions,
makin' clever speeches.
01:12:01.850 --> 01:12:04.190
It's not gonna shift
one Roman soldier!
01:12:04.270 --> 01:12:07.690
So let's just stop gabbin' on about it.
It's completely pointless.
01:12:07.730 --> 01:12:09.730
- And it's gettin' us nowhere.
- Right!
01:12:09.770 --> 01:12:12.230
I agree. This is a complete
waste of time.
01:12:13.690 --> 01:12:16.100
- They've arrested Brian!
- What? What?
01:12:16.190 --> 01:12:18.850
They dragged him off!
They want to crucify him!
01:12:18.900 --> 01:12:22.440
Right! This calls
for immediate discussion!
01:12:22.520 --> 01:12:24.060
- What?
- lmmediate!
01:12:24.150 --> 01:12:25.560
- Right.
- New motion?
01:12:25.650 --> 01:12:27.980
Completely new motion.
Uh, that, uh,
01:12:28.060 --> 01:12:30.730
that there be
immediate action
01:12:30.810 --> 01:12:33.440
- Once the vote has been taken.
- Obviously once the vote's been taken.
01:12:33.520 --> 01:12:37.650
- You can't act on a resolution
till you've voted on it.
- Reg, let's go now, please!
01:12:37.730 --> 01:12:42.730
- Right! ln the light of fresh
information from Sibling Judith.
- Not so fast, Reg.
01:12:42.810 --> 01:12:46.690
Reg, for God's sake!
It's perfectly simple.
01:12:46.730 --> 01:12:49.810
All you've got to do
is to go out of that door now...
01:12:49.900 --> 01:12:52.440
and try to stop the Romans
nailing him up!
01:12:52.520 --> 01:12:56.400
It's happening, Reg!
Something's actually happening, Reg!
01:12:56.480 --> 01:12:59.020
Can't you understand?
01:12:59.100 --> 01:13:01.060
Oh!
01:13:02.730 --> 01:13:05.770
- Ooh. Ooh. Yup.
01:13:05.850 --> 01:13:08.190
A little ego trip
from the feminists?
01:13:08.270 --> 01:13:10.770
- What?
- Oh, sorry, Loretta?
01:13:10.850 --> 01:13:12.850
Uh, read that back,
would you?
01:13:25.940 --> 01:13:28.560
Next? Crucifixion?
01:13:28.650 --> 01:13:30.600
- Yes.
- Good.
01:13:30.650 --> 01:13:34.230
Out of the door,
line on the left, one cross each.
01:13:34.310 --> 01:13:36.400
Next? Crucifixion?
01:13:36.480 --> 01:13:38.400
- Yes.
- Good.
01:13:38.480 --> 01:13:40.980
Out of the door,
line on the left, one cross each.
01:13:41.060 --> 01:13:43.520
Next? Crucifixion?
01:13:43.600 --> 01:13:46.190
- Uh, no, freedom.
- Mmm? What?
01:13:46.270 --> 01:13:48.690
Uh, freedom for me.
They said I hadn't done anything,
01:13:48.730 --> 01:13:51.600
so I could go free
and live on an island somewhere.
01:13:51.690 --> 01:13:54.900
Oh. Well, that's jolly good.
Well, off you go then.
01:13:54.980 --> 01:13:57.600
No, I'm only pulling your leg.
It's crucifixion, really.
01:13:57.690 --> 01:14:00.150
Oh, I see.
Very good, very good.
01:14:00.230 --> 01:14:02.480
- Well, out of the door
- Yeah, I know the way. Out the door,
01:14:02.560 --> 01:14:04.480
one cross each,
line on the left.
01:14:04.560 --> 01:14:06.480
Line on the left. Yes, thank you.
01:14:06.560 --> 01:14:08.560
- Crucifixion? Good.
- Yes.
01:14:22.230 --> 01:14:27.190
People of "Jewusalem,"
01:14:27.270 --> 01:14:30.350
"Wome" is your "fwiend."
01:14:35.480 --> 01:14:39.400
To "pwove" our "fwiendship,"
it is "customawy" at this time...
01:14:39.480 --> 01:14:42.690
to "welease" a "wandewer"
"fwom" our "pwisons."
01:14:47.100 --> 01:14:51.850
Whom would you
have me "welease"?
01:14:51.940 --> 01:14:55.020
- "Welease" "Woger"!
01:14:55.100 --> 01:14:57.730
"Welease" "Woger"!
"Welease" "Woger"!
01:15:01.400 --> 01:15:06.520
"Vewy" well,
I shall "welease" "Woger"!
01:15:09.440 --> 01:15:11.940
Sir, uh, we don't
have a Roger, sir.
01:15:12.020 --> 01:15:14.440
- What?
- Uh, we don't have anyone
of that name, sir.
01:15:14.520 --> 01:15:18.810
Ah. We have no "Woger."
01:15:21.650 --> 01:15:23.560
Well, what about
"Wodewick," then?
01:15:23.650 --> 01:15:28.060
Yeah! Release "Wodewick"!
Release "Wodewick"!
01:15:28.100 --> 01:15:32.980
"Centuwion,"
why do they titter so?
01:15:34.230 --> 01:15:36.900
Just some,
uh, Jewish joke, sir.
01:15:38.520 --> 01:15:41.400
Are they... "wagging" me?
01:15:43.060 --> 01:15:46.480
- Oh, no, sir.
01:15:46.560 --> 01:15:50.980
"Vewy" well.
I shall "welease" "Wodewick"!
01:15:51.060 --> 01:15:53.020
- Sir, we don't have a Roderick, either.
01:15:53.100 --> 01:15:56.350
- No "Woger," no "Wodewick."
- Sorry, sir.
01:15:56.440 --> 01:16:01.310
Who is this "Wog" Who is
this "Wodewick" to whom you "wefer"?
01:16:01.400 --> 01:16:04.230
- He's a "wobber"!
01:16:04.310 --> 01:16:07.190
- And a "wapist"!
01:16:07.230 --> 01:16:09.350
And a pickpocket!
01:16:09.440 --> 01:16:11.400
- Yeah Shh! Shh!
- Shut up!
01:16:12.980 --> 01:16:16.480
- He sounds a "notowious" "cwiminal."
- We haven't got him, sir.
01:16:16.560 --> 01:16:19.310
Do we have anyone
in our "pwisons" at all?
01:16:19.400 --> 01:16:22.310
- Oh, yes, sir. We got a Samson, sir.
- Samson?
01:16:22.400 --> 01:16:26.650
Samson the Sadducee Strangler, sir.
Uh, Silus the Assyrian Assassin.
01:16:26.730 --> 01:16:29.770
Uh, several seditious scribes
from Caesarea.
01:16:29.850 --> 01:16:33.520
- Uh, 67
- Let me "thpeak" to them.
01:16:33.560 --> 01:16:35.900
- Oh, no
- Yes, good idea, Biggus.
01:16:35.980 --> 01:16:40.600
Citizens, we have
Samson the Sadducee Strangler,
01:16:40.690 --> 01:16:43.350
Silus the Assyrian Assassin
01:16:43.440 --> 01:16:46.980
- Several seditious scribes
from Caesarea.
01:16:47.060 --> 01:16:49.060
Next.
01:16:49.150 --> 01:16:51.520
- Crucifixion?
- Yes.
01:16:51.560 --> 01:16:55.350
Good. Out of the door,
line on the left, one cross each.
01:16:55.440 --> 01:16:57.810
- Jailer
- Excuse me. There's been
some sort of mistake.
01:16:57.900 --> 01:17:01.560
Just a moment, would you?
Jailer, how many have come through?
01:17:01.650 --> 01:17:03.730
What?
01:17:03.810 --> 01:17:06.850
Uh, how many
have come through?
01:17:06.940 --> 01:17:09.350
- What?
- YYYYou'll have to...
01:17:09.440 --> 01:17:14.850
spespspespspspspeak up
a bit, sir.
01:17:14.900 --> 01:17:17.850
- He'sHe'sHe's He's de
- Ah.
01:17:17.900 --> 01:17:20.270
He's deaf He's deaf
He's deaf as a pppost, sir.
01:17:20.350 --> 01:17:22.270
Oh, yes.
01:17:22.350 --> 01:17:26.230
Uh, how many
have come through?
01:17:29.230 --> 01:17:32.020
- Oh, dear.
- I make it ninetyf
01:17:32.060 --> 01:17:36.440
ninetyf ninetyf
01:17:36.520 --> 01:17:38.730
ninetysix, sir.
01:17:38.810 --> 01:17:41.190
It's such a senseless waste
of human life, isn't it?
01:17:41.230 --> 01:17:43.230
NNNNo, sir.
01:17:43.270 --> 01:17:47.900
NNot with these bbastards, sir.
01:17:47.940 --> 01:17:50.020
CC N
01:17:50.100 --> 01:17:52.650
CCCru
01:17:52.730 --> 01:17:56.060
CCrucifixion's
too good 'em, sir.
01:17:56.150 --> 01:17:58.730
I don't think you can say it's
too good for them. It's very nasty.
01:17:58.810 --> 01:18:03.350
Oh, it's not as nnnana
01:18:03.400 --> 01:18:06.690
not as nasty as something
I just thought up, sir.
01:18:06.730 --> 01:18:10.690
- Yeah. Now, crucifixion?
- ls there someone I can speak to?
01:18:10.730 --> 01:18:14.270
- Well
I know where to get it, if you want it.
01:18:14.350 --> 01:18:16.850
- What?
- DDon't worry about hihim, sir.
01:18:16.940 --> 01:18:20.560
HHe's de He's de
He's dedede
01:18:20.600 --> 01:18:25.400
- He's deaf and mad, sir.
- Well, how did he get the job?
01:18:25.480 --> 01:18:28.650
- BBloody Pilate's pet, sir.
01:18:28.730 --> 01:18:32.060
Get a move on, Big Nose. There's people
waitin' to be crucified out here.
01:18:32.150 --> 01:18:34.310
- Could I see a lawyer or someone?
01:18:34.400 --> 01:18:37.230
- Um, do, do you have a lawyer?
- No, but I'm a Roman.
01:18:37.310 --> 01:18:40.190
How about a retrial?
We got plenty of time.
01:18:40.230 --> 01:18:43.310
- Shut up, you!
- Miserable Romans. No sense of humor.
01:18:43.400 --> 01:18:45.730
- I'm sorry. Bit of a hurry.
01:18:45.770 --> 01:18:50.150
Can you go straight out?
Line on the left, one cross each. Now
01:18:59.230 --> 01:19:01.310
Was it something I said?
01:19:01.400 --> 01:19:04.520
- Silence!
01:19:07.440 --> 01:19:10.730
This man commands
a "cwack" legion!
01:19:16.190 --> 01:19:18.850
He "wanks" as high
as any in "Wome."
01:19:21.980 --> 01:19:25.400
Crucifixion party.
01:19:27.940 --> 01:19:32.100
Morning. Now, we will be on
a show as we go through the town,
01:19:32.190 --> 01:19:34.150
so let's not
let the side down.
01:19:34.230 --> 01:19:37.270
Keep in a straight line, three lengths
between you and the man in front...
01:19:37.350 --> 01:19:39.600
and a good, steady pace.
01:19:39.690 --> 01:19:41.900
Crosses over
your left shoulders,
01:19:41.980 --> 01:19:44.560
and if you keep your backs
hard up against the cross beam,
01:19:44.650 --> 01:19:46.560
- you'll be there in no time.
01:19:46.650 --> 01:19:48.600
All right, centurion.
01:19:48.690 --> 01:19:52.900
Crucifixion party
Wait for it!
01:19:52.980 --> 01:19:58.900
Crucifixion party,
by the left, forward!
01:20:03.310 --> 01:20:05.520
You lucky bastards!
01:20:06.980 --> 01:20:10.690
You lucky, jammy bastards!
01:20:19.020 --> 01:20:21.600
Let me shoulder
your burden, brother.
01:20:21.690 --> 01:20:23.600
Oh, thank you.
01:20:25.600 --> 01:20:28.400
- HHey! Hey!
- Hey, what do you think you're doing?
01:20:28.440 --> 01:20:31.400
- Uh, it's not my cross.
- Shut up and get on with it!
01:20:34.440 --> 01:20:38.850
He had you there, mate, didn't he?
That'll teach you a lesson.
01:20:38.900 --> 01:20:41.730
- All right.
01:20:41.810 --> 01:20:44.060
I'm gonna give you
one more chance.
01:20:44.150 --> 01:20:47.190
This time I want to hear
no "Weubens,"
01:20:47.270 --> 01:20:50.480
no "Weginalds,"
01:20:50.560 --> 01:20:53.940
no "Wudolph
the Wednosed Weindeers."
01:20:54.020 --> 01:20:57.980
No Spencer Tracys!
- Or we shall release no one!
01:20:58.060 --> 01:21:01.350
- Release Brian!
- Oh, yeah. That's a good one.
01:21:01.440 --> 01:21:06.230
"Welease" "Bwian"!
"Welease" "Bwian"!
01:21:06.310 --> 01:21:09.060
"Vewy" well. That's it.
01:21:09.150 --> 01:21:11.850
- Sir, we, uh, we have got a Brian, sir.
- What?
01:21:11.900 --> 01:21:13.980
Uh, you just sent him
for crucifixion, sir.
01:21:14.060 --> 01:21:17.060
Wait, wait.
We do have a "Bwian."
01:21:17.150 --> 01:21:20.400
- Well, go and "wepwieve" him,
"stwaight" away.
- Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
01:21:22.980 --> 01:21:24.980
"Vewy" well.
01:21:25.060 --> 01:21:28.690
I shall... "welease" "Bwian"!
01:21:32.230 --> 01:21:35.020
- Get a move on, there!
- Or what?
01:21:35.100 --> 01:21:37.730
- Or you'll be in trouble.
- Oh, dear.
01:21:37.810 --> 01:21:40.940
You mean I might have to give up
being crucified in the afternoons?
01:21:41.020 --> 01:21:43.520
- Shut up!
- That would be a blow, wouldn't it?
01:21:43.560 --> 01:21:47.020
I wouldn't have nothing to do.
Oh, thank you.
01:21:50.400 --> 01:21:53.230
Are they gone?
01:21:53.270 --> 01:21:57.520
WWe've got lumps of it
round the back.
01:21:57.600 --> 01:22:00.520
- What?
- Oh, don't worry about him, sir.
01:22:00.600 --> 01:22:03.350
He's ma
He's m He's ma
01:22:03.440 --> 01:22:06.350
He's mm
He's mm
01:22:06.440 --> 01:22:09.400
- He's mad, sir.
- Are they gone?
01:22:10.480 --> 01:22:12.690
Oh, ye N
01:22:12.730 --> 01:22:17.520
- I n Uh, I n NNNN
01:22:17.560 --> 01:22:20.560
- NNNN
- Oh, come on!
01:22:20.650 --> 01:22:23.060
Yes, sir.
01:22:23.100 --> 01:22:26.900
- Anyway, get on with the story.
- Well, I knew she never
really liked him, so I just
01:22:26.980 --> 01:22:28.520
Right.
01:22:28.560 --> 01:22:30.850
That's the motion to get on with it,
passed with one abstention.
01:22:30.940 --> 01:22:33.560
I propose we go without further ado.
May I have a seconder for
01:22:33.650 --> 01:22:35.730
- Let's just go.
- Yeah.
01:22:47.270 --> 01:22:49.230
Oh, no!
01:22:51.310 --> 01:22:53.940
- Bloody Romans!
- Watch it!
01:22:54.020 --> 01:22:55.980
There's still
a few crosses left.
01:22:57.600 --> 01:23:00.150
Up you go, Big Nose.
01:23:00.230 --> 01:23:03.190
- I'll get you for this, you bastard.
- Oh, yeah?
01:23:03.270 --> 01:23:06.520
- Oh, yeah. Don't worry. I never forget a face.
- No?
01:23:06.600 --> 01:23:10.900
I warn you, I'm gonna punch you
so hard, you Roman git!
01:23:10.980 --> 01:23:13.230
Shut up, you Jewish turd!
01:23:13.310 --> 01:23:16.440
Who are you calling Jewish?
I'm not Jewish!
01:23:16.520 --> 01:23:18.690
- I'm a Samaritan!
- A Samaritan?
01:23:18.770 --> 01:23:20.560
This is supposed
to be a Jewish section.
01:23:20.650 --> 01:23:24.520
It doesn't matter.
You're all gonna die in a day or two!
01:23:24.560 --> 01:23:28.060
It may not matter to you, Roman,
but it certainly matters to us,
doesn't it, darling?
01:23:28.150 --> 01:23:31.770
- Oh, rather!
- Under the terms
of the Roman occupancy,
01:23:31.850 --> 01:23:34.810
we're entitled to be crucified
in a purely Jewish area.
01:23:34.900 --> 01:23:37.440
Pharisees separate
from Sadducees.
01:23:37.520 --> 01:23:40.650
- And Swedish separate from Welsh!
01:23:40.730 --> 01:23:44.650
All right, all right, all right.
We'll soon settle this.
01:23:44.730 --> 01:23:49.190
Hands up all those who don't
want to be crucified here.
01:23:49.270 --> 01:23:52.310
- Right. Next!
01:23:52.400 --> 01:23:55.350
- Uh, look. It's not my cross.
- What?
01:23:55.400 --> 01:23:58.190
Um, it's not my cross.
I was, um, holding it for someone.
01:23:58.270 --> 01:24:00.230
Just lie down.
I haven't got all day.
01:24:00.270 --> 01:24:02.650
No, of course. Look.
I hate to make a fuss
01:24:02.730 --> 01:24:06.020
Look. We've had a busy day.
There's 140 of you lot to get up.
01:24:06.100 --> 01:24:08.650
- ls he Jewish?
- Will you be quiet?
01:24:08.730 --> 01:24:10.980
We don't want any more
Samaritans around here.
01:24:11.060 --> 01:24:14.310
Belt up!
Will you let me down if he comes back?
01:24:14.400 --> 01:24:16.980
Yeah, yeah,
we'll let you down. Next!
01:24:17.060 --> 01:24:19.850
You don't have to do this.
You don't have to take orders.
01:24:19.940 --> 01:24:22.230
I like orders.
01:24:44.600 --> 01:24:46.560
See? Not so bad,
once you're up.
01:24:47.650 --> 01:24:49.560
You being rescued, then,
are you?
01:24:49.650 --> 01:24:51.560
It's a bit late for that now,
isn't it?
01:24:51.650 --> 01:24:54.020
Oh, now, now. We've got
a couple of days up here.
01:24:54.060 --> 01:24:56.060
Plenty of time.
Lots of people get rescued.
01:24:56.100 --> 01:24:59.600
- Oh?
- Yeah. My brother usually rescues me,
01:24:59.690 --> 01:25:02.230
if he can keep off the tail
for more than 20 minutes.
01:25:02.310 --> 01:25:04.270
- Oh?
- Randy little bugger.
01:25:04.310 --> 01:25:06.650
Up and down like the Assyrian Empire.
01:25:10.900 --> 01:25:13.230
Hello.
Your family arrived, then?
01:25:13.310 --> 01:25:15.020
Reg!
01:25:15.100 --> 01:25:18.520
- Hello, Sibling Brian.
- Thank God you've come, Reg.
01:25:18.560 --> 01:25:23.190
Well, I think I should point out
first, Brian, in all fairness,
we are not the rescue committee.
01:25:23.270 --> 01:25:26.100
However, I have been asked to read
the following prepared statement...
01:25:26.190 --> 01:25:28.150
on behalf of the movement.
01:25:28.230 --> 01:25:31.850
"We the People's Front of Judea
brackets, officials, end brackets
01:25:31.900 --> 01:25:35.520
"do hereby convey our sincere
fraternal and sisterly greetings...
01:25:35.560 --> 01:25:38.980
to you, Brian, on this,
the occasion of your martyrdom."
01:25:39.060 --> 01:25:41.900
What?
"Your death will stand as a landmark...
01:25:41.980 --> 01:25:44.900
"in the continuing struggle
to liberate the parent land...
01:25:44.940 --> 01:25:47.520
"from the hands of the Roman
imperialist aggressors,
01:25:47.600 --> 01:25:50.560
"excluding those concerned with
drainage, medicine, roads, housing,
01:25:50.600 --> 01:25:53.730
"education, viniculture and any
other Romans contributing...
01:25:53.810 --> 01:25:58.020
"to the welfare of Jews of
both sexes and hermaphrodites.
01:25:58.100 --> 01:26:00.900
Signed, on behalf
of the P.F.J., etc."
01:26:00.980 --> 01:26:04.480
And I'd just like to add,
on a personal note, my own admiration...
01:26:04.560 --> 01:26:06.480
for what you're doing
for us, Brian,
01:26:06.560 --> 01:26:09.730
and what must be, after all,
for you a very difficult time.
01:26:09.810 --> 01:26:13.900
- Reg, wwhat are you going to
- Goodbye, Brian, and thanks.
01:26:16.150 --> 01:26:18.150
Well done, Brian.
Keep it up, lad.
01:26:18.230 --> 01:26:20.810
Terrific work, Brian.
01:26:26.190 --> 01:26:28.350
Right. And
01:26:28.400 --> 01:26:30.520
For he's a jolly good fellow
01:26:30.600 --> 01:26:32.560
For he's a jolly good fellow
01:26:32.600 --> 01:26:35.770
For he's a jolly good fellow
01:26:35.850 --> 01:26:38.060
And so say all of us
01:26:38.150 --> 01:26:40.270
And so say all of
01:26:43.060 --> 01:26:44.980
You bastards!
01:26:45.060 --> 01:26:50.520
- You bastards!
You sanctimonious bastards!
- Where is Brian of Nazareth?
01:26:50.600 --> 01:26:53.980
- I have an order for his release.
- You stupid bastards!
01:26:54.060 --> 01:26:56.350
- Uh, I'm Brian of Nazareth.
- What?
01:26:56.440 --> 01:26:58.400
- Yeah, Ill'm Brian of Nazareth.
- Take him down.
01:26:58.480 --> 01:27:01.810
- I'm Brian of Nazareth!
- I'm Brian!
01:27:01.900 --> 01:27:05.350
- I'm Brian!
- I'm Brian!
01:27:05.440 --> 01:27:08.650
- I'm Brian!
- I'm Brian, and so's my wife!
01:27:08.730 --> 01:27:11.560
- I'm Brian!
- I'm Brian!
01:27:11.600 --> 01:27:13.190
Take him away
and release him.
01:27:13.270 --> 01:27:18.190
No, I'm only joking. I'm not
really Brian. No, I'm not Brian.
01:27:18.230 --> 01:27:21.480
I was only It was a joke.
I'm only pulling your leg.
01:27:21.560 --> 01:27:26.310
It's a joke! I'm not him!
I'm just having you on! Put me back!
01:27:26.400 --> 01:27:28.850
Bloody Romans.
Can't take a joke.
01:27:38.020 --> 01:27:40.560
The Judean People's Front!
01:27:40.650 --> 01:27:44.100
The Judean People's Front!
01:27:44.190 --> 01:27:46.940
Forward all!
01:27:50.900 --> 01:27:53.350
- Come on!
- The Judean People's Front!
01:27:53.440 --> 01:27:56.190
- The Judean People's Front!
01:28:02.810 --> 01:28:08.350
We are the Judean People's Front
Crack Suicide Squad.
01:28:08.400 --> 01:28:12.020
Suicide Squad, attack!
01:28:20.900 --> 01:28:23.060
That showed them.
01:28:25.060 --> 01:28:29.520
- You silly sods.
01:28:29.600 --> 01:28:33.350
Brian! Brian! Brian!
01:28:33.440 --> 01:28:37.690
- Judith!
- Terrific! Great!
01:28:37.730 --> 01:28:41.350
Reg has explained it all to me.
I think it's great, what you're doing.
01:28:41.440 --> 01:28:43.400
Thank you, Brian.
01:28:43.480 --> 01:28:46.150
I'll, I'll never forget you.
01:28:54.600 --> 01:28:57.150
So there you are!
01:28:57.230 --> 01:28:59.650
I might have known
it would end up like this.
01:28:59.730 --> 01:29:03.690
To think of all the love and
affection I've wasted on you.
01:29:03.770 --> 01:29:06.850
Well, if that's how you treat
your poor old mother...
01:29:06.940 --> 01:29:09.020
in the autumn years
of her life,
01:29:09.060 --> 01:29:12.560
all I can say is,
go ahead, be crucified!
01:29:12.650 --> 01:29:15.150
See if I care.
I might have known
01:29:15.230 --> 01:29:17.480
Mum!
01:29:17.560 --> 01:29:21.850
- Mum!
- I don't know
what the world's coming to.
01:29:27.230 --> 01:29:31.060
Cheer up, Brian.
You know what they say.
01:29:31.150 --> 01:29:34.190
Some things in life are bad.
01:29:34.270 --> 01:29:36.690
They can really make you mad.
01:29:36.770 --> 01:29:40.770
Other things just
make you swear and curse.
01:29:40.850 --> 01:29:43.600
When you're chewing
on life's gristle
01:29:43.690 --> 01:29:47.190
Don't grumble
Give a whistle
01:29:47.270 --> 01:29:51.310
And this'll help things
turn out for the best
01:29:51.400 --> 01:29:53.350
And
01:29:53.400 --> 01:29:58.060
Always look
on the bright side of life
01:30:01.770 --> 01:30:06.520
Always look
on the light side of life
01:30:09.060 --> 01:30:13.480
lf life seems jolly rotten
there's something you've forgotten
01:30:13.560 --> 01:30:17.020
And that's to laugh and smile
and dance and sing
01:30:17.100 --> 01:30:19.400
When you're feeling in the dumps
01:30:19.440 --> 01:30:21.400
Don't be silly chumps
01:30:21.480 --> 01:30:25.810
Just purse your lips and
whistle, that's the thing
01:30:25.900 --> 01:30:30.440
And always look
on the bright side of life
01:30:33.560 --> 01:30:38.440
Always look
on the bright side of life
01:30:41.400 --> 01:30:43.650
For life is quite absurd
01:30:43.730 --> 01:30:45.650
And death's the final word
01:30:45.730 --> 01:30:49.060
You must always face
the curtain with a bow
01:30:49.150 --> 01:30:51.350
Forget about your sin
01:30:51.440 --> 01:30:53.400
Give the audience a grin
01:30:53.440 --> 01:30:56.850
Enjoy it, it's
your last chance anyhow
01:30:56.940 --> 01:31:02.520
So always look
on the bright side of death
01:31:05.650 --> 01:31:10.480
Just before you draw
your terminal breath
01:31:13.560 --> 01:31:17.400
Life's a piece of shit
when you look at it
01:31:17.480 --> 01:31:21.350
Life's a laugh and
death's a joke, it's true
01:31:21.400 --> 01:31:25.650
You'll see it's all a show
People laughing as you go
01:31:25.730 --> 01:31:28.900
Just remember that
the last laugh is on you
01:31:28.940 --> 01:31:34.230
And always look
on the bright side of life
01:31:37.900 --> 01:31:42.810
Always look
on the right side of life
01:31:42.900 --> 01:31:45.730
- Come on, Brian. Cheer up.
01:31:45.770 --> 01:31:50.600
Always look
on the bright side of life
01:31:53.980 --> 01:31:58.650
Always look
on the right side of life
01:31:58.730 --> 01:32:01.650
Worse things happen
at sea, you know?
01:32:01.730 --> 01:32:05.480
Always look
on the bright side of life
01:32:05.560 --> 01:32:07.900
What have you got to lose?
You come from nothing.
01:32:07.940 --> 01:32:10.440
You go back to nothing.
What have you lost?
01:32:10.520 --> 01:32:14.520
- Nothing!
- Always look
on the right side of life
01:32:14.600 --> 01:32:17.650
Nothing will come from nothing.
You know what they say?
01:32:17.730 --> 01:32:19.650
- Always look on
- Cheer up, you old bugger.
01:32:19.730 --> 01:32:22.480
- The bright side of life
- Give us a grin. There you are.
01:32:22.560 --> 01:32:26.480
See? It's the end of the film.
Incidentally, this record's available in the foyer.
01:32:26.560 --> 01:32:30.480
Always look
on the right side of life
01:32:30.560 --> 01:32:33.560
Who do you think pays for all
this rubbish?
01:32:33.650 --> 01:32:37.900
Always look
on the bright side of life
01:32:37.980 --> 01:32:41.850
I told him. I said to him, "Bernie,
there'll never make their money back."
01:32:41.900 --> 01:32:46.190
Always look
on the right side of life